


Secrets And Regrets

by DeadMilitia



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Sex, Molestation, Regret, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-05-07 06:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5445827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far.  And you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark. Cause all you're looking for is love. You're living in the dark, you just can't get enough." -Pillar<br/>Vic has a dark secret that he fears isn't a secret anymore. As he spirals out of control, Kellin enters his life. Kellin made a mistake in his past and is now living with the consequences. His broken heart is healing and he falls for Vic.<br/>Kellin tries his best to cure Vic, but sometimes there isn't a cure. Sometimes you just need someone to love you while you fall apart. Kellin promises to be that person for Vic. No matter how much it kills him to watch Vic destroy himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My Color Fades To Gray

**Author's Note:**

> What happens in this chapter with Vic and Jeff actually happened with me and my boss's boyfriend. Also, Vickie and Rose are a real couple who come into the restaurant I work at, and Vickie does work with me. And as much as I hate to say it, I really do self harm (and I don't say that to get sympathy. I'm working on quitting again.)
> 
> Chapter title is from Still Broken by Plan Three.

I stared in the mirror as my boss's boyfriend's words echoed in my head.

_He's useless. I guess we should just fire all of the useless employees. That would leave us with two less to screw things up._

I had forgotten one of the rules that for some reason was so important to him even though it wasn't a big deal to my boss. Sure, it was her rule, but it wasn't the biggest one. I felt the tears well up in my eyes yet again and this time I didn't fight them like I had at work. I let them fall and I felt a strong pain in my chest.

Why am I such a screw up? Why can't I get things right just once? There has been so many times I've screwed up at work or at home and made people mad. Why couldn't I just make everyone happy? I try so hard to be a people-pleaser and do exactly what they say when they say it, but I'm too big of a fuck up.

I opened the bottom drawer of the bathroom counter and took out a razor blade that I kept there. I dragged the blade over my wrist with a small hiss. I repeated the process a couple of more times. I then stood there with tears running down my cheeks as I watched the blood. I jumped when someone knocked on the door.

"Yeah?"

"Vic, dinner's almost ready. Are you hungry?" My mom asked.

"Not really," I answered.

"Did you eat at work?"

"Yeah, I did." I actually didn't. My stomach had been in knots the entire day.

"Okay, well, you can join us at the table at least." She said before I heard footsteps leaving. I knew they wouldn't care if I didn't join them. Dinner time was important to my mom. She liked the entire family to sit down together whenever possible. But I knew she wouldn't be mad if I didn't this one time.

I grabbed some tissue paper and held it against my wrist tightly. After a few minutes, the bleeding stopped and I put the razor back where I found it. I then went to my bedroom and turned on some music, turning it up loud enough to drown out noise, but not too loud. I then laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling, replaying the scene and words over in my head.

Why was I such a screw up? It was one little thing. He had told me to always make sure there was a screen in the second sink so food wouldn't go down the drain. Why couldn't I remember that? Maybe he was right, maybe I am a useless employee. I could add that to the list of reasons why I'm worthless. I shut my eyes as I felt that familiar sting in the back of my throat. I didn't want to cry. Of course I didn't win and the tears flowed freely.

\----------------------------

I opened my eyes and looked around the room a little confused. It was dark. I checked the clock to see it was eleven pm. I got up and slowly walked to the bathroom. After doing my business, I went back to my room and changed into pjs before climbing back into bed. I pulled the covers up around me tightly. I closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep. That was the one thing that kept me sane. I slept a lot. Nobody seemed to really mind though. It wasn't like they needed me for anything. My wrist was still stinging. I liked it better after it was done rather than while I was doing it. It gave me a lot of relief during, but I liked the way it hurt afterwards. It was a dull, stinging pain that resembled how I felt on the inside.

I heard a knock on the door before it cracked open, the light from the hall spilling in. It was Mike.

"Are you awake?" He asked softly but loud enough for me to hear.

"No," I replied in a dull tone. I heard him chuckle before my bedroom light was harshly blinding me. I squeezed my hurting eyes shut. "Dude!" I said, making him laugh. He came over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"So, how was work?" I gave him an 'are you serious' look.

"You woke me up and blinded me to ask about work?" He smiled a little and shrugged.

"I was just curious and Mom said to let you sleep when you got home." He said, I just sighed.

"Work sucked, as usual. Can I go back to sleep?"

"What happened?" He asked. I let out a long sigh while rubbing my hands over my face.

"Jeff came in and was getting some stuff done for the race track when he noticed there wasn't a screen strainer in the sink. He called me over and asked me if I could tell him what was wrong with the sink. I knew right away what he meant, but didn't think anything of it. Dawn doesn't treat it like a big deal. He then kept going on and on about it and even went as far as to say how I was a useless employee who should be fired. Does that answer how my day fucking went?" I felt bad for getting a little snappy. It wasn't Mike's fault. I sighed again. "Sorry," I mumbled, he shook his head.

"You should have told him to go fuck himself and then quit. Then you should have walked out with middle fingers held high." I laughed and shook my head.

"I wish I was brave enough to do something like that." Instead I stood there and fought the tears back while he continued to insult me. I was so fucking pathetic.

"Just forget him, okay?" Mike said, his voice was serious but he was smiling. I just smiled back.

"I'm over it anyway," I lied. I was actually going to dwell on it and let it add to the list of reasons I hate myself. I was a people pleaser and had tried my hardest to be one of Jeff's favorites. That was a hard spot to earn though. He only liked one employee and I envied her. But she had been there longer than any of the rest of us, plus she worked the race track with him on weekends. So of course she was his favorite.

"But seriously, can I go back to sleep?" I asked, causing Mike to laugh a little.

"Sure," he said before standing up. "Goodnight," he said as he shut the light off.

"Goodnight," I said back as he shut the door. I got comfortable again, but I knew I wouldn't sleep. I was going to dwell on it all night now.

\-----------------

The next morning I had to go back to work. I really didn't want to be there. The only good thing was that I was working with Vickie, my favorite person to work with. She always stood up for me when Jeff would say anything because she hated the way he treated everyone and she didn't give a rats ass what he thought of her. She was the other 'useless' employee he said should be fired.

"Hey, kid," she gave her usual greeting to me. I smiled and said hi back. Vickie was in her early fifties, she had short, dark brown hair that hung in her eyes a little and was hardly ever not sticking out, she was a bit heavier, average height, and had crooked teeth. Some people thought she looked rough, but I didn't. Ever since the first time I met her, I could tell she had a big heart and I was right. She was one of the nicest people I had ever met.

I got straight to work like always. "We've been fucking slammed since we opened. I'm ready to kick everyone the hell out and close early." Vickie told me, making me laugh.

"I'm not against it," I replied, making her laugh. We worked mostly in silence besides the few comments to each other every now and then. Mostly work related things.

"Can you get till?" Tony asked as he grabbed another plate off of the line. I just nodded and dried my hands on my pants while walking to the cash register. I knew the guy waiting. His name is Kellin and he goes to a different school than me, but he comes in a lot and got along with Vickie. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't even know his name.

"Hi, Kellin," I greeted, taking the ticket and typing everything into the register.

"Hey," he said back with a smile. I wasn't going to lie, he had an amazing smile. I had a slight crush on him, but I figured it was just because he was cute and nice. "Busy day?"

"Eight, twenty-five," I told him his total. "Apparently so. I just got here about twenty minutes ago," I told him as he got the money from his wallet. "Out of ten," I said out loud.

"Yeah," was all he said. I quickly made change and handed it back to him.

"A dollar, seventy-five is your change," I said with a smile. "Have a nice day."

"You too," he said with a smile before walking away. I really wished our conversation would be more than that. That was how it went every single time I talked to him. Just meaningless small talk until the transaction was done.

"Somebody's got the hots for Kellin." Vickie said, nudging my arm. "I don't blame you. I think you need to get you some of that." My face turned bright red and I smiled.

"Shut up," I chuckled, making her laugh. According to her, there were a lot of guys I needed to get some of. She loved to make me blush. I watched Kellin gather his stuff and shove it into his bag as he talked to Tony who was clearing his table. I was jealous of Tony because he could talk to Kellin so easily. But the did go to the same school. I was too awkward, shy, and nervous. It took a while to get to where Kellin and I were at now. It would take too long before we got to know each other well enough for mutual feelings. Even though I knew that would never happen. Somebody like Kellin deserved someone better than me. I was too ugly and worthless to be with someone so amazing.

"You got a little drool there," Vickie joked. I snapped out of my thoughts and realized I was staring at Kellin. He was putting his black, leather jacket on and looked at me through the hair that had fallen in his face with a smile. I looked away quickly, feeling my cheeks heat up. Vickie walked away laughing. I smiled and shook my head, following her. "You know, he's a really nice boy and he's single. You should just ask for his number. I highly doubt he would deny." She said as she began gathering dishes to be washed. I stood at the sink and washed whatever she gave me.

"Yeah, and what if he does?" I asked, not looking over.

"Then that's his loss and you find someone new." She said as if it were the easiest thing. I just smiled a little. "I have a feeling that he likes you, too." I looked over quickly.

"How?" I asked, a little shocked. I had a hard time believing anyone would like me.

"Because he told me," she said in a 'duh' kind of voice. Vickie wasn't one to lie about that kind of stuff, and she loved to meddle. So I knew there wasn't a very big chance that she was lying. She had to be telling the truth. But why would Kellin like me?

"What did you do?" Vickie asked in a caring voice, motioning to my wrist. My eyes went wide and my heart rate sped up.

"I was playing with the cat last night." I don't even have a cat and Vickie knew that. I dared to look at Vickie to see a sad expression as she stared at me. We met eyes and she was silently telling me I could tell her the truth, but I just smiled instead. "I swear I'm okay." I always felt bad lying to her because it was obvious that she really cared. I tried to avoid cutting where it would be be visible, but I often failed at that. Vickie was the only person who asked about them though. My family used to ask, but I think they caught on, so they just quit. Probably because they didn't want to know the truth. I don't blame them.

"Okay," was all she said, but it was obvious she didn't believe me. After that we worked in silence. It wasn't awkward though. It was never awkward with Vickie. I knew she cared about me and that I could trust her. I knew she was worried though because i overheard her talking to her significant other, Rose, about me. I only heard my name and then Rose told her to just ask me about it. Vickie said she didn't want to put me on the spot if I didn't want to talk about it. The truth was that I really did want someone to talk to, but I didn't want to disappoint anyone. And I knew Vickie would be really disappointed and upset. I didn't want to do that to her.


	2. The Devil's In My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Be Still My Heart by Plan Three.

I rubbed my hands over my face. I was getting anxious and I wasn't sure why. I felt the familiar need to harm myself. But I didn't want to give in. I really did want to get better. I just wasn't sure how. I let out a loud groan before standing up. I shut my music off and left my room. I didn't want to give in and I knew the longer I was alone, the stronger the urge would get. I knocked on Mike's bedroom door, the drumming stopping.

"What?" I heard him call. I opened the door and saw him sitting at his drum set in the corner of his room.

"Do you want to go out to eat or something? I'm kind of bored," I told him and he smiled.

"Sure," he said, setting his drum sticks down. "Just let me change and put shoes on." He said before going to his closet. I left the room to give him some privacy to change, not that he cared either way. I walked back to my room and slipped some shoes on before grabbing my wallet, phone, and keys. I pulled a black hoodie on that had a gray, broken guillotine on the front and had gray letters wrapping around the top that said, 'Hang In There.'

After Mike was ready, we left the house. I wasn't really sure where we were going, but sometimes just getting out of the house with Mike helped make the urges go away. He was the main reason I wanted to stop. I knew he looked up to me and I didn't want him to know what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt him by having him found out. Though I was pretty sure he had kind of figured it out. He's not stupid after all.

We talked about random things from what was going on at school to conversations we had recently had with other people. In all honesty, we knew just about everything that happened in the other's life. From the bad things to the good. But I didn't feel like I could tell him about how much my mind hated me. I always wondered if he had secrets like I do. It killed me to think that he could possibly be crying himself to sleep every night and feeling like he couldn't tell me what was wrong. I wanted to be that safe big brother that he could talk to about anything. But I understood why he might not feel comfortable doing so.

"Where do you want to eat?" I asked, as we got into town.

"I don't care," he said and I sighed. I hated when he did that.

"How about Denny's?"

"That works," he said. After we got to Denny's, we went in and were seated. We ordered our drinks and then looked over the menu. We ate here a lot, so we pretty much knew what we wanted, but we always looked at the menu. After the waitress came back, we ordered our food. It was pretty quiet between the two of us anymore. I never felt like I had anything worth saying, so I had stopped talking as much a couple of years ago. Mike usually was cracking jokes or talking about Alysha, his girlfriend. I didn't mind though, I enjoyed listening to him.

At times it got hard to listen to him talk about Alysha though because they were crazy for each other. I hate to say I'm jealous, but I kind of am. I had only dated one girl in the past before I came to accept that I was gay. I haven't dated since her though.

"Have Wallace and his goons backed off?" Mike asked, I just shrugged.

"Not really," I answered. Stephen Wallace was the most popular guy in school and was also the biggest jerk. "But it's okay, you shouldn't worry about that." I said as the waitress brought our food. We thanked her and then wasted no time before digging in. I reached across the table to grab the ketchup and suddenly was stopped by Mike grabbing my arm. He turned it over to see my wrist.

"What happened?" He asked, staring at the new cuts. I tugged my arm back and he let go. I felt really exposed which made me put my hurt arm in my lap out of sight. Mike grabbed the ketchup and set it in front of me while he waited for a reply.

"I-I cut myself clean out the back room at work." I lied, forcing a small laugh. He stared at me for a moment before just nodding a little. I was sure he didn't believe me, but at least he didn't ask. I was starting to get worried that my family knew too much. Plus with the way Vickie and Dawn had been talking to me the last week, I was worried they knew too. Dawn was close to my mom, but would my mom tell her if she was suspicious?

"We need to bubble wrap you." Mike said with a small laugh. I chuckled before taking the ketchup and putting some on my burger.

"I know," I chuckled. I hated how awkward things had become between me and just about everyone else. Some days everything was normal and then days like today it was awkward.

\-----------------------

The urge was still there. Normally distracting myself helped me push through. After eating, we decided to go to the mall. We were currently wandering around Hot Topic. I felt my pocket for the hundredth time. I carried a lighter with me everywhere along with a small pair of sewing scissors that folded up. I had taken the scissors out of my mom's sewing kit that she hasn't used in over two years.

"Is something wrong?" Mike asked as we looked through band shirts.

"No, I'm fine," I answered. I started looking through the jean rack next to us. There was a war going on in my head. I wanted to hurt myself really bad, but I knew I shouldn't. I had already decided I wanted to stop. The urge was getting to be too much to bare though. I finally picked out a pair of jeans. "I think I'm going to go try these on," I said, turning around quickly. I went to the back of the store to where there was one dressing room. I walked into the little room and locked the door. It wasn't like most changing rooms. It was an actual room with a dressing room door. I figured it had been a closet at one point before being turned into a dressing room for Hot Topic.

I pulled out the scissors and lighter and stared at them for a moment. I already hated myself for giving in, but I knew I couldn't get through the day if I didn't do this. I took off my red and black flannel before rolling up my t-shirt sleeve all the way. I heated up the metal of the scissors and pressed it to my upper arm, flinching away before pressing it back. I repeated it over and over again until I was positive I would have a good mark. Just as I started on a new place, I heard footsteps and I froze.

"Vic? Are you still in there?" Mike asked.

"Y-yeah, I'll be right out." I said back.

"Okay," was all he said. I waited until he walked away before I continued. I needed to make just one more mark and I would be satisfied. I couldn't get the lighter to light again, so I was flicking it over and over when someone's voice made me jump.

"There's no smoking in the store. Take that shit outside," the familiar voice said, sounding annoyed. I quickly shoved my stuff back into my pocket before putting my flannel back on and grabbing the jeans. When I opened the door the dark haired boy was standing there looking ready to chew someone out. His expression softened when he saw me.

"Vic? Were you smoking in there?" Kellin asked, I just shook my head. I was really embarrassed. I forgot that Kellin worked here.

"Then what was that noise? I know I heard a lighter," he said, staring at me. I couldn't think of a good excuse, so I went with the lame one.

"I-it was my phone. That's the noise it makes when I get a text." I tried my best to sound convincing, but my nerves were making it hard. He eyed me before nodding.

"I don't smell cigarette smoke so I have no choice but to believe you." He said with a smile. I smiled back, feeling a little relieved. I can't believe I had been so stupid.

"Did they fit?" I was confused for a moment.

"Oh, um, n-no, not really." I lied, I hadn't even tried the jeans on.

"Oh, that sucks," was all he said before giving me a smile and walking off. I followed him back out into the store. I found Mike talking to some guy. I figured they knew each other from the way they were acting. I walked up and smiled kindly, not saying anything. They both kept talking, just accepting me into the conversation. I didn't say much though.

"Hey, Vic," I heard Kellin yell. I turned around to see him leaning on the counter. He motioned for me to come over there. I looked at Mike and his friend for a second before walking over to Kellin.

"Yeah?" I questioned when I got to the counter.

"What's up?" He asked with a smile. I smiled also.

"Nothing new since ten minutes ago. What about you?" He chuckled.

"I baby-sat my little cousin most of the day and then came to work." He said with a smile.

"Cool," was all I said. We hadn't ever really talked, so I wasn't entirely sure what to say.

"Are you going to Jaime's party tomorrow night?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Probably not, I'm not much of a party person." I told him and he raised an eyebrow.

"Really? I just thought that since you and Jaime are friends, you would be going." He said before shrugging it off.

"We are friends, I just don't go to many parties." I didn't want to tell him that it was because I always ended up sitting in a corner alone before going home early. "Are you going?"

"I get that. Yeah, I'm planning to... I just wish I had a date to take with me." He said with a smirk. I blushed and I wasn't even sure why. It wasn't like he was hitting on me. It was just a statement.

"Yeah, it makes parties better, I guess." I said, feeling a little uncomfortable. He turned around and grabbed a box before walking to a rack near the counter.

"I was kind of hoping you were going so we could go together." He said without looking at me. I was caught off guard. I hadn't expected him to say that.

"W-well, I guess I could come for a little while." I said, rubbing my hand up and down my arm. He turned and smiled at me but it didn't last long.

"I don't want to force you to go. You already said you didn't want to. Don't go just because of me." He said, seeming a bit guilty.

"No," I said a little too quickly. "I mean, I only said that because I normally end up spending parties alone." I felt really awkward. I waited for him to start laughing at me, but he didn't. When I looked up he was giving me a small smile.

"Well, I promise this will be the best party you've ever been to." He said in his cheerful voice. I smiled back.

"Vic, Rian and I are going to the food court. Do you want to come?" Mike asked, I shook my head no.

"I might head on home. I'm kind of tired. Will you be able to get home okay?" I asked him.

"I can drop him off," Rian offered. I just smiled before nodding a little. They took off and I turned back to Kellin.

"I g-guess I'll see you tomorrow?" I said, feeling a bit shy. He smiled.

"Yeah... Oh, can I get your number? That way we can meet up and go together?" Kellin asked, I nodded and pulled out my phone. I handed him mine and he gave me his. I put my number in before handing it back to him and getting mine back.

"See you tomorrow." Kellin said with a smile. I smiled back before walking out of the store. As I found my way out of the mall, my mind was racing. Did Kellin Quinn actually just ask me to a party? How in the world did this happen? There was no way this was real. There's no way someone like him actually wanted to go with me. Was this some kind of sick joke? No, Kellin wouldn't do anything mean. Would he? I mean, sure I had known him for two years, but I didn't actually know him. Maybe he would turn out to be a completely different person. No, Kellin is too nice to be faking.

Once I got home, I locked myself in my room with my music turned up loud. Mom was the only person home and she was in the kitchen cooking dinner. I knew she didn't mind our loudness. She liked the same kind of music as us and she loved listening to Mike and I play our instruments.

My mind hadn't left Kellin since I left Hot Topic. One part of me was telling me this was a joke and he was going to do something terrible to me at the party. The other part was telling me that this was my chance to actually get Kellin to myself. Maybe something would come from this. Maybe we would end up dating and then married and live happily ever after with our four children. No, that wouldn't happen. People like me don't get a happily ever after. I don't deserve one. I got up and changed into black sweat pants and a blood red hoodie before laying back on the bed.

I stared up at the ceiling and allowed my mind to wander to the fantasy of Kellin and I actually working out. I knew I was just setting myself up to get hurt by doing so, but I couldn't help it. I wondered what it would feel like to wrap my arms around him, or to kiss his lips, or what it would be like to run my hands through his hair while we cuddled. I've always wanted one of those cute relationships where everything is fine, but I knew I wouldn't get that. Nobody would be able to put up with someone like me for more than a few weeks.

I felt tears well up in my eyes at the thought of Kellin leaving me. This didn't even mean anything, so why was I getting worked up? He just asked me to go because he needed a date for the party. It wasn't like he asked me on an actual date. I highly doubt we'll really spend much time together tomorrow night. It'll probably be like every other time I went with someone. They would get caught up hanging with their friends and I would slowly get pushed out of the group. Then I'll be in the back of the room with a drink and watching everyone else have fun. It's how it always go.


	3. It's The Greatest View From Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from A Pathetic Psalm by Destroy The Runner.

I was laying on my stomach on the bed and having second thoughts about the party. Why in the world did I say yes? For the fiftieth time today, I had my phone out with a new text to Kellin opened. I was trying to think of a reason I couldn't go. Part of me wanted to go. It's not like I couldn't leave early if I didn't want to stay. Jaime only lives like twenty minutes away by foot. So if Kellin drives us over, it's not like I would have to wait for him to take me home.

"Is Kellin picking you up here? Or do you wanna go with me?" Mike asked, standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, Kellin is picking me up." I sat up and crossed my legs. "Mike, do you think I'm making a mistake by going?"

"No, I think you'll be making a mistake by not going."

"Why didn't I say I couldn't go?" I groaned before falling back on the bed, completely ignoring what Mike just said. Mike sighed before he came over to sit beside me.

"If Kellin turns out to be an asshole, just leave." He said bluntly. I chuckled a little.

"I really don't see Kellin turning into an asshole." I replied and he smiled at me.

"I'm heading over early, see ya there." He stood up and walked to the door before stopping. He turned with a smirk. "I almost forgot," he pulled something out of his pocket and threw it on the bed beside me.

"A condom?" I questioned and his smile grew.

"Don't be a fool, wrap your tool." He then winked at me.

"Michael Christopher Fuentes! I am not sleeping with Kellin!" I exclaimed a little too loudly making him burst out laughing.

"Hey, I just don't want my big brother getting aids." I flipped him off as he walked out the door. I rolled my eyes with a small laugh. Of course Mike's mind would go there. I had to admit, I wasn't opposed to the idea of sleeping with Kellin, but I barely know the guy. I definitely wouldn't be doing that tonight.

\---------------------

I felt sick as the door bell rang. I opened it and Kellin was standing there with a smile.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," I said back. "So um, are you ready to go?" I asked and he nodded. I followed him out the door and I noticed he didn't have his car.

"Did you walk here?" I asked and he nodded.

"I don't live that far away from here." I made an 'oh' face before we began walking down the sidewalk. It was quiet which made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say to Kellin. He seemed pretty comfortable and okay with not talking. I admired his confidence.

"Okay, I have to be honest with you." Kellin said, my heart began pounding. Here it comes, the prank. I knew this was a sick joke. "Oh! It's nothing bad! I swear!" He quickly exlaimed, holding his hands up in innocence.

"Oh, okay," I replied. I wasn't sure if I should trust him fully yet or not.

"You see, Vickie told me to ask you out. She said that you had a crush on me.... And I really like you, so I was happy when she told me that." He was looking down and rubbing the back of his neck. A big smile spread across my face.

"I really like you, too." I told him and he smiled. He held out his hand and gave me a look like he was asking persmission. I took his hand and we continued to Jaime's house. We were both quiet, but it wasn't awkward. Once we got there, we were greeted by Mike and Jaime.

"Booze is in the kitchen, good times are everywhere! Except bedrooms! Those are off limits! I mean it, Kellin!" Jaime said with a huge smile. Kellin smirked at him.

"No promises!" He yelled back over the loud music. Jaime laughed while walking away. "Wanna dance?" He asked me. I looked over to the crowd of people dancing in the middle of the living room. I'm not sure what they were doing could be considered dancing though, more like foreplay.

"I don't know how," I admitted. He smiled and took my hand before leading me into the crowd. Kellin began dancing really close to me and I just stood there. I had never done this before. Kellin laughed and reached out to grab my hips. He pulled our lower bodies together and began guiding my hips to move with his. After I got the hang of what he wanted me to do, he let go and put his arms around my neck. He began to move his hips in a very sexual way against me and my face heated up.

After dancing to several songs, I told Kellin I was going to get a drink. He said he was going to dance some more. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of beer. I leaned against the doorway separating the kitchen and living room. I was content to just watch people, plus I couldn't find Kellin in the mess of people. I spotted Mike and a guy named Tony dancing. Tony was a shy person and it appeared he was having a hard time with the way my brother was grinding on him. But Tony wasn't pushing him away. I also saw Jaime talking with a group of people.

After a few minutes of watching, I finally saw Kellin. But what I saw made my stomach drop. He was in the corner of the room with his back against the wall and smiling at a guy named Jack Fowler. Jack had his hand on the wall next to Kellin's head and was drinking out of a red cup. The way Kellin was acting could be mistaken for flirting. I knew that it was too good to be true. Nobody would actually want me. Kellin obviously had a lot of guys that he really liked. Now what Jaime said earlier and Kellin's reply were starting to make sense. I chugged the rest of my beer before going to get another one. I leaned against the counter because I didn't want to watch Kellin and Jack flirt with each other.

"Hey, why are you hanging out in here?" Mike asked, he had his arm around Tony's waist, but he let go of him to refill their drinks.

"Because I don't want to watch Kellin try to get in someone else's pants." I said kind of bitterly before taking another drink.

"Oh, I'm sorry, bro. Wanna hang out with us?" He asked, handing Tony his drink. I smirked a little.

"I don't wanna watch you get in each other's pants either." Mike laughed but Tony's face turned as red as a tomato which made me laugh.

"Can you blame me though?" Mike asked, biting his lip and looking Tony up and down. Tony's face turned a deeper red.

"Go have fun, but be safe." I told them with a laugh. Mike led Tony back out into the crowd. I finished my beer and then grabbed another. I might as well just leave. There was nothing here for me anyway. I walked back to the doorway and curiousity got the best of me. I looked back to where they had been before and they were still standing there, but I noticed it was different this time. Jack had a hold of Kellin's hips and was kissing his neck, but Kellin looked really uncomfortable. His face was scrunched up and his hands were on Jack's chest. Jack said something in Kellin's ear and Kellin shook his head no while saying something back. It didn't appear that Jack was taking no for an answer as he began kissing Kellin's neck again. He then stuck his hand down the back of Kellin's jeans. That was when Kellin started to really fight him. I had seen enough and started pushing my way through the crowd. I grabbed a hold of Jack and yanked him back.

"No means no, douche bag." I told him. He just smirked at me.

"I didn't hear him say no." He said in a smug tone. I really wanted to knock him the fuck out. I turned to Kellin who looked embarrassed and a little scared. He was staring down at the floor and had his arms crossed. I didn't like seeing him scared.

"Do you want to fuck him, Kellin?" I asked and Kellin shook his head no.

"No," he said just loud enough for us to hear. I turned back to Jack.

"Now you heard him say it. You stay the fuck away from him. Understand?" Jack stepped closer to me. He stared me down before looking back at Kellin.

"A slut like him ain't worth it anyway." He then made sure to bump my shoulder as he walked away. I looked back at Kellin, my anger was instantly gone.

"Wanna get out of here?" I asked and he nodded. We walked outside and began heading towards my house. Kellin didn't say anything and didn't even look at me.

"I'm sorry," he said and I looked over.

"Why?"

"After you left, I started dancing with Jack and he asked if we could talk... I'm so stupid and I'm really sorry." He finally looked up and I gave him a small smile.

"It wasn't your fault. Jack is an asshole," he chuckled a little at that.

"Thanks by the way. You didn't have to do that." He told me.

"Actually, I did. I have a feeling that Jack isn't above raping someone to get what he wants." I saw the way Kellin seemed a little uncomfortable at that.

"Where are we going?" He asked and I thought for a moment.

"How about the park?" He smiled and nodded. We walked mostly in silence. The park had sidewalk lights that gave off just enough light. "Wanna go on the swings?" I asked and he nodded with a smile. We went to the playground and each of us got on a swing.

"So, tell me about yourself." Kellin said after our swinging slowed down. We were now barely moving back and forth.

"What do you want to know?" I hated this kind of thing. I never knew what to say.

"Tell me about your family, your favorite things, pets, anything." He said, I nodded my head once.

"Okay, I'm not sure what to say about my family. You already know Mike and my parents. I don't have any pets right now, but I do love them. Um, I love music.... And I love Jurassic Park and Coraline, I love Snickers... Um, I hate Call Of Duty... And I once broke my wrist playing soccer. Your turn," I said and he nodded with a smile.

"Okay, I have two brothers and two sisters, I also don't have any pets right now, but would love to have one. I play the piano, guitar, drums, and trumpet, my favorite colors are green and blue, I can beatbox, and I enjoy singing."

"Wow, you play a lot of instruments." I said and he chuckled a little.

"I'm not that great at guitar or drums, I just started those last year." I thought it was cute how he got a little shy while saying that. He wrapped his arms around himself and looked cold. He was just in a t-shirt, I figured he left his jacket back at Jaime's. I stood up and took my jacket off before handing it to him.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to get cold." He said and I smiled and shrugged.

"Take it, I'll be fine." He smiled and took it. He thanked me as he put it on. We sat back down and talked more. This was definitely better than a stupid party.

It was close to two A.M. when we decided to leave the park. We mostly decided to leave because two guys showed up and were acting weird. It was probably a drug deal, but we didn't want to stick around to find out. We also didn't want to be a witness to anything illegal.

"This is probably a weird question, but would you like to come back to my house and watch a movie or something?" I asked with a lot of nervousness. He smiled at me brightly.

"Sure," he replied, causing me to smile back. We made our way to my house. The porch light was on which made unlocking the door a lot easier. We quietly made our way to my room. I pulled out my pjs and then felt kind of bad. I forgot that Kellin wouldn't have any comfortable clothes to change into.

"Here, you can borrow some clothes from me." I said, pulling out another pair of clothes.

"Oh, you don't have to do that. I'm fine in this," he said and I shook my head.

"It'll make the night more comfortable." I said with a smile. He smiled shyly before taking the clothes from me. "The bathroom is next door." I told him and he nodded before slipping out of the room. I quickly changed then started going through my movies. I took out Coraline and put it in before climbing on the bed. I leaned back against the headboard and waited for Kellin. He came back a few moments later.

"What are we watching?" He asked as he sat on the other side of the bed.

"Coraline... Is that okay?" I guess I should have let him pick it out.

"Yeah, I like this movie." He said and I smiled. I pressed play and then got up to turn the light off. I got under the covers when I came back to the bed. Kellin followed and got under the covers too. We both laid back and watched the movie. I was happy that Kellin agreed to come back to the house with me. It was nice having someone here instead of being alone.

About halfway through the movie, I snuck a peek at Kellin to see his tired eyes watching the screen intensely. I smiled a little to myself before turning back to the movie. A few minutes later, I heard a soft snore come from my right. I turned to see Kellin was asleep. He was really cute. After Coraline ended, I started it over. I was fine watching it again. I was really tired anyway, so I knew I wouldn't make it through the whole thing. I moved around to get comfortable, being careful not to wake up Kellin.

\---------------

I opened my eyes and was confused when I tried to sit up but couldn't. There was a weight keeping me in place. I blinked the sleepiness out of my eyes before looking down. I smiled when I saw Kellin laying on me with his right arm over my body and his head on my chest. I didn't want to wake him up, so I stayed where I was. I pulled the cover up over him more before resting my hand on his back.

I began thinking about what happened last night. My mind went to the one question I wanted answered, but didn't want to ask. Did Kellin sleep around? I mean, Jaime made the joke about bedrooms being off limits and then Jack called him a slut. But if he did sleep around, then why did he reject Jack? I guess even people who sleep around had people they wouldn't sleep with. Plus, Kellin looked really uncomfortable by what Jack was doing. Someone whose used to sex wouldn't be that uncomfortable.

I looked down at Kellin and watched him sleep. He was so adorable and just looked too innocent to be someone who slept around. He just couldn't be that way. Kellin started to move around a little. He lifted his head and seemed a little confused before looking up at me. His cheeks turned red and he moved to get off of me.

"Sorry," he mumbled, staring down at his hands. I chuckled and sat up also.

"It's okay," I said and he smiled a little. I was happy I could finally stretch though. When I stretched my back with my hands up, the sleeve of my shirt fell down.

"What happened?" Kellin asked in a concerned tone, his eyebrows pulled together. I quickly covered my wrists back up and looked down. I was ashamed of what I did to myself. I hated myself way more than any other human being could.

"I-it's nothing, I d-did it at w-work." I stumbled over my words. Kellin stayed quiet for a moment.

Great, he thinks I'm a disgusting freak now. I thought to myself. Why did I have to ruin everything good in my life? I guess Kellin wasn't really a good thing yet. We've only spent one night together and it wasn't even in a romantic way. Though I wouldn't mind having Kellin in that way.

"Hey," he reached out and took my hand in his. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here... I'm not that great at advice, but I have a great set of ears." He said with a small chuckle. I smiled up at him.

"Thanks," I said and he smiled back.

"No problem... Now, can we go get breakfast? I'm starving." He said the last part a little over-dramatically which made me laugh.

"Sure, let's go see what we can find." I said before getting up. We found my mom in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table with a book and drinking coffee. She smiled when we walked in.

"Good morning, sweetie. Oh, I didn't know you had a friend over." She said, smiling at Kellin.

"Good morning. This is Kellin," I told her as I went to the fridge. I didn't find anything worthy of eating in there and moved to the cabinets.

"Here, I'll make you boys something to eat." Mom said as she stood up.

"You don't have to, we can eat cereal or something." I said, looking over the cereal options.

"How about biscuits and gravy instead?" I smiled and nodded before looking over at Kellin.

"Is that okay?" I asked and he nodded with a smile.

"Okay, great. Vic, will you get the sausage out of the freezer for me?" Mom asked as she got the pan out. I went to grab it and then noticed that Kellin seemed a bit uncomfortable and like he wanted to say something.

"What is it, Kellin?" I asked and his eyes widened.

"Oh, um... I-I'm a vegetarian." He said, sounding really uncomfortable. "I don't want to be rude or anything, though."

"Oh, honey, that's okay. I can leave the sausage out. You don't have to be shy here. Make yourself at home." Mom said with a big smile. Kellin smiled also and thanked her. Kellin sat at the table while I helped my mom cook breakfast.

"Vic, will you go see if Mike is up?" Mom asked and I nodded. I ran up the stairs and to Mike's room. I threw the door open.

"Wakey, wakey- Oh..." I said when I saw Mike and Tony. They were kissing and thank the heavens they were fully clothed.

"Seriously!" Mike yelled, making me laugh. Tony's face was red and he moved away from Mike.

"Breakfast is almost ready." I said before leaving. "Mike has a playmate of his own over." I said with a chuckle when I came back into the kitchen. Kellin smirked and my mom nodded her head.

"Are they coming?" She asked and I lost it.

"Not when I was in there." I said, making Kellin laugh.

"Victor," Mom gave me a warning look. I mumbled an apology but I was still smiling. Kellin was biting his lip in an attempt to stifle a laugh. After a few more minutes and the table being set, Mike and Tony came down. Kellin and I were trying really hard to not laugh.

"Grow up," Mike said before sitting down. Tony seemed embarrassed as he sat down next to Mike. Dad had already left for work, so we didn't have to wait for him before we started eating.


	4. It Goes From Good To Bad To Worse So Fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Tell Me Why by Three Days Grace

I sat on my bed and fought back the tears. Work had gone horribly. I screwed up a lot of things today because my mind just wouldn't catch up with everything going on. Some people have the gift of being on top of everything when there's a hundred and one things to be done, I was not one of those people. I felt so stupid. Like, this literally made me feel like the most stupid person. I can't do anything right.

I stood up and started towards the bathroom. I really needed a release right now. Once I got there, I locked the door and took my razor blade out of it's hiding spot. I took off my long sleeve shirt and began making marks on my chest. It hurt, but it felt good. Once I had made about fifteen cuts, I just stood there and watched the blood ooze out. Some blood began to run down, but I didn't mind. There was something oddly calming about watching the blood.

I stood in the bathroom for what felt like ever. Every time one of the cuts would stop bleeding even slightly, I would scratch at them to make them bleed again. My fingers were bloody, but I didn't mind.

"Vic? Are you home?" I heard Mike yell from downstairs. I then heard his footsteps coming up.

"Shit," I whispered. I had been home alone which was the only reason I hadn't been interrupted. I turned the water on and grabbed a wash cloth from under the sink. I began to carefully clean myself off. The wounds were still bleeding a little. I pressed the wash cloth against the one that was bleeding the most and held it tightly. After a few minutes, it stopped bleeding. I gently dried my chest off and made sure none were bleeding anymore before putting my shirt on again and leaving the bathroom. I figured Mike was in his room. I walked past his room on my way to my own, but was stopped by Mike's voice.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked and I nodded with a fake smile.

"I'm fine," I told him and he nodded once. Since he didn't say anything else, I went to my room. I put a movie in and got under the covers. I wasn't in the mood to do anything except lay around. About halfway through the movie, my door opened. I looked over to see Mike.

"Jaime, Tony, and I are gonna go do something, do you want to tag along?" He asked and I shook my head no.

"I'm not feeling that great," I told him. It wasn't a lie. I wasn't feeling good mentally or emotionally. Mike gave me a sad look before nodding.

"Okay," was all he said before he left. A few minutes later, I heard the front door shut and then Mike's car start up. I got comfortable again and tried to focus on the movie. My mind kept going to the darker thoughts.

_I'm nothing but a worthless piece of shit._

_I can't do anything right._

_How do I even still have a job?_

_I wouldn't be surprised if I got fired. There was only so much of me someone could handle._

_There's no possible way that Kellin actually likes me. Who would like something like me? Besides, he deserves someone so much better than me._

That last thought put tears my eyes. I was really afraid of ending up alone. I had never been able to really keep friends. Jaime was the only person besides Mike that I was close to, and I didn't even spend that much time with him. I had "friends" from school, but I didn't hang out with them outside of school or even really talk to them. Even if Kellin and I did start dating, it wouldn't last long. Everyone leaves eventually. I was terrified that my parents would forget me once I was out of the house and that Mike would get married, start a family and would also forget me. I had a strong fear of being alone.

\-----------------------

I was a little confused when my phone ringing brought me out of sleep. I don't remember falling asleep. I reached over and grabbed it.

"Hello?" I rubbed the sleepiness out of my eyes.

"Oh, did I wake you up?" Kellin asked, sounding a bit guilty.

"Yeah, but it's okay," I said with a small chuckle. "What's up?" I looked over at my alarm clock. It was five in the evening.

"I was just bored and wanted to know if you want to hang out?" He asked.

"Um," I still wasn't feeling that great, but I didn't want to say no.

"If not, that's okay. I understand," he sounded a bit disappointed.

"No!" I said quickly. "I would love to hang out. What do you want to do?"

"Well, I was actually hoping you would come over for a while? I have my two little cousins for the next three hours. If you don't want to, that's okay."

"I would love to. Um, where do you live?" I asked, realizing I had no clue.

"I live in the small, stone house with all of the gnomes out front on Pinkly Street." He said and I chuckled a little.

"You live in the gnome house?" I asked and he laughed.

"My mom has issues." He said in a joking tone which made me laugh.

"Alright, I'll be there in a few minutes," I said. After we said bye, I got up to change. I put on a light blue, long sleeve shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. I then slipped my shoes on before grabbing my keys, wallet, and phone. I was kind of happy that Kellin called. Maybe he really did like me. I was still afraid that he was going to decide I wasn't worth it.

Once I got to Kellin's, I walked up on to the stone porch. My mom always said that this house looked like it came out of a fairytale. It wasn't big, it had light colored stone all around the outside, the porch had stone walls around it instead of a railing and they kept the yard decorated, mostly with gnomes and flowers. I knocked and was soon greeted by Kellin who was holding a baby.

"Hey, come on in," he told me before stepping aside. "My mom is weird about shoes in the house, so you can leave those right there." He pointed to a shoe rack next to the door. I took my shoes off and placed them on it before following Kellin farther into the house.

"So who is this?" I asked, motioning to the little girl in his arms. She had short, blonde hair that was sticking out everywhere, brown eyes, she was wearing pink pants and a multi-colored, long sleeved shirt and yellow socks, and she had a purple pacifier in her mouth. She looked to be maybe a year old. 

"This is Moriah," he told me with a smile. "Her sister, Maddie, is running around here somewher." He told me.

"Do you babysit often?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yeah, I love these two," he told me. The other little girl came running into the room but stopped when she saw me. She never took her eyes off of me as she made her way to Kellin, grabbing a hold of his leg. "This is Maddie, she's a bit shy." He had his hand on the back of her head as she hid from me. I smiled at her and she gave me a shy smile back. She had light brown hair, brown eyes, and was wearing dark blue pants, a black shirt that had hearts on it, and purple socks, she also had a dark green pacifier in her mouth.

"Okay, go ahead and make yourself at home. I'm going to go change her real quick." Kellin said and I nodded. I sat on the couch while Kellin went to a different room. Maddie stayed in the room with me, but didn't come near me.

"It's okay, honey, I won't hurt you." She stayed where she was at. "My name is Vic. How old are you?" She held up three fingers. "You're three?" She nodded. She went to the other side of the room where a Disney's Frozen backpack was sitting. She pulled out a book before coming over to me. She handed me the book before climbing up next to me.

"Want me to read to you?" I asked and she nodded. I opened the book and began reading while she sat there and listened. Kellin and Moriah came back and he smiled as he sat down on the other side of Maddie and put Moriah next to her. Moriah moved to lay her head on Kellin's lap and he was gently pushing her hair back. It was probably the cutest and sweetest sight I had ever seen. I finished the book and then just watched Kellin with the girls. He was so good with them.

"Wanna watch a movie?" Kellin asked.

"Frozen!" Maddie yelled.

"Is that okay with you?" Kellin asked me and I nodded.

"Yeah, that's fine," I replied with a chuckle. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV and DVD player on. The movie was already in.

"This is the second time we're watching this today," he told me with a small laugh. "Do you mind keeping an eye on them while I go make dinner really quick?"

"Sure, I don't mind," I said. Sure, I had never watched kids before, but how hard could this be? They were watching a movie. He smiled and moved Moriah over so she could lay against me before he went into the kitchen. It wasn't long before Moriah started getting fussy and I wasn't sure what to do. I picked her up and she buried her face in my chest while crying. I rubbed her back and tried to soothe her but it wasn't working. I grabbed her pacifier that fell out of her mouth before standing up. I tried rocking her, but she was still crying. I wasn't sure what to do, so I went to the kitchen. Kellin laughed when he looked at me.

"You look so scared," he laughed before taking Moriah. "She's tired, that's why she's getting fussy. She skipped her afternoon nap." He told me as he took her pacifier. He rocked her gently and held her pacifier to her mouth. She finally calmed down and laid her head on his shoulder. After she started drifting off, he went back to cooking. I turned around to check on Maddie who was still watching the movie. I then looked back at Kellin who was cooking with one hand and slowly swaying side-to-side to rock Moriah to sleep. I coudn't get over how cute he was.

After the food was done, he went to put Moriah down before making a plate of food for Maddie. He paused her movie and had her come sit down to eat. He made another plate and handed it to me.

"Oh, thank you," I said. He smiled before making a plate for himself. We sat down and began eating. He had made spaghetti and garlic bread and it was delicious. From Moriah rubbing her face against my chest, my cuts were agitated now and itched. I gave in and itched my chest. I was sure the cuts were healed enough that it wouldn't matter. I scratched them a couple of times because it wouldn't stop itching.

"I think you got some spaghetti sauce on your shirt." Kellin pointed out. My eyes went wide and I looked down. Sure enough, there were a couple of red stains on my shirt.

"Where's the bathroom?" I asked.

"Down the hall and to the left." I thanked him and got up. I made my way to the bathroom quickly. Once the door was locked, I took my shirt off and examined the wounds. A couple of them were bleeding and I figured it was from me scratching at them. How could I be so stupid? I grabbed some tissue and began putting pressure on them.

"Vic? Are you okay?" Kellin asked from the other side of the door.

"Y-yeah, I'll be out in a second." I replied. After I was sure the bleeding had stopped, I put my shirt back on and left the bathroom. I found Kellin in the kitchen cleaning up, my plate was still on the table.

"Hey, I think I'm going to head on home." I told him and he seemed a little disappointed.

"You sure you can't stay for a little while longer? My cousin just texted me and said she was coming to get the girls early. We would be alone after that." He said the last part in a shy tone which I found really cute. I hated to see him disappointed, but I really just wanted to go home and get back in bed. I finally sighed.

"I guess I can stay a little longer," I said and he smiled again. After I helped Kellin clean up we went back into the livingroom where Maddie was watching Frozen. We sat on the couch and watched the movie too. By the time the credits were rolling, the door opened and a tall, skinny woman with brown hair came in.

"Mommy!" Maddie yelled and ran over to the woman who picked her up. After a brief conversation between Kellin and the woman I learned was named Monica, they left. Kellin helped Monica and the girls out to the car. After he got back inside, he turned to me.

"So, what do you want to do?" He asked and I shrugged. I wasn't good with sociallizing. "Wanna play a video game?"

"Sure," I said and he stood up.

"My X-Box is in my bedroom. Come on," he said. I followed him down the short hallway and into a small bedroom. There was a lot of clutter in the room and you could barely see the floor. There was just enough floor space to get around the bed, desk, and dresser. "It's kinda messy," he said with a small laugh.

"It's okay," I said as I sat on the bed. After we settled on a game, he put it in and then we both laid down on our stomachs. I wasn't that great at video games, so Kellin was beating me.

After about an hour of playing, we kind of got distracted by talking. We weren't talking about anything interesting really, just getting to know each other a little better.

"Past relationships?" Kellin asked and I bit my lip.

"I've never been in one," I admitted and he smiled a little.

"Nothing wrong with that. I've been in one before and it didn't end well." He told me and it seemed that he didn't want to go farther with that conversation. I changed the topic by asking about his school.

\------------------------------

It was close to midnight and I was currently sitting in a full bath. I wasn't sure why I was feeling so down. Spending time with Kellin was amazing. We really got to know each other and we learned how to joke around together. But here I was, feeling terrible yet again. Taking a bath wasn't normal for me, but I had some thoughts other than getting clean. I couldn't help but wonder how hard it would be to drown myself. To just get it over with already and be done.

I grabbed the blade laying on the soap tray and began dragging it across my chest. I made some pretty deep cuts. I felt so pathetic as I dragged the blade across my skin again. I wasn't sure why I couldn't stop doing this to myself. I had started out of nowhere one night when I get really upset and ever since then, I couldn't stop. It was like an addiction. An addiction that not many people took pity on or even knew much about.

I wondered how Kellin felt about this kind of stuff? Would he think I'm disgusting? Would he leave as soon as he saw the cuts? I felt more tears fall down my cheeks at the thought of Kellin being disgusted with me. Everyone who ever found out would say they were here for me and then they left when they realized just how screwed up I actually am. I couldn't handle that again. I guess that was why I had distanced myself from most people.

I made a few more cuts and watched the blood slowly drip. Any time one would stop bleeding, I would make it start again. I guess that was what I liked about doing this, watching the bleeding. I loved to just sit and watch the blood slowly ooze out and then slid down. There was something morbidly calming about it. It gave me something to focus on rather than what I was feeling.

After about thirty minutes of making cuts and watching the blood, I decided to wash off and get out. I gently ran the wash cloth over my cuts and tried to get them to stop bleeding. I knew the really deep ones would hurt for a couple of days, but I kind of liked when they did. After the cuts had stopped bleeding and all the blood was washed off of me, I got out to dry off. I got dressed in a black, long sleeved shirt that was big on me and gray sweat pants.

I laid down on the bed and pulled the covers around me tightly before checking my phone. It wasn't like anyone ever texted me, but it had become a habit. I was surprised to see a text from Kellin.

 _'Thanks for coming over today. Sorry if it was a little boring.'_ I smiled before replying.

 _'It wasn't boring. I'm glad I came over.'_ I wasn't surprised when I didn't get a reply. It was late after all. I put my phone on charge and then got comfortable to try to get some sleep. I hadn't been sleeping very well lately though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for guys with babies, so I had to add Kellin's love of kids into this story. I love seeing pictures of him with his kids. ^.^


	5. Every Last Route To Escape Is Soaked In Kerosene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS TRIGGERING!  
> If this does trigger you, I'm so sorry and feel free to talk to me instead of harming yourself. I don't want to be the cause of anyone harming themselves. This story is kind of a reflection of how I feel and what I do to myself. Not everything that Vic does is something I have done to myself, it's just things I could see myself doing. So far, everything he has done, I have done. But what he does in the beginning of this chapter I have NOT done though I could see myself doing on my bad days. If you think you may be triggered, please don't risk it.
> 
> Title from Bridges by Transparent.

_Worthless._ That was the word I had carved into my chest out of sadness and anger. School was terrible. I failed a test that I had studied my ass off for and then I got shoved into the lockers and harassed by Adam Gontier. Adam harasses everyone and he usually picks one or two people to be his target for the day, I just happened to win that spot today. It wasn't like the world was ending and I knew others had it way worse than I did, but here I was, watching blood run down my body as I cried.

I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything sets me off, no matter how small. I broke a plate at work last night and I was still feeling bad over it. I was such a fucking screw up. Everyone would just be better off if I was gone. I hate myself and nothing will ever change that. I don't deserve to love myself, I don't deserve love in any form. I'm too disgusting and fucked up to deserve love.

I grabbed the blade again and just began cutting into my body wherever I could. I didn't care where I cut, I just wanted to feel pain, and lots of it. I kept cutting and cutting until I looked like I had gone through a wood chipper. My chest, stomach, shoulders, arms, and sides were all sliced up. My body was burning, but that's what I wanted. I wanted to feel an over load of pain. I deserved the pain. I stared at myself in the mirror. My body was covered in cuts and blood and the word 'Worthless' was carved right on my chest. It was true. I was worthless.

I stood there in just a pair of black boxers and let my cuts stop bleeding on their own. It took a while and I went through a lot of tissue as I cleaned up the blood, but I didn't mind. After the cuts stopped bleeding, I turned on the shower. Once it was warm, I slipped my boxers off and stepped into the water. It hurt for the water to hit my cuts, but I deserved it. If I was going to be screwed up enough to do this to myself, then I was going to suffer the consequences.

I didn't dare use soap. I had to wash my hair though and the shampoo and conditioner hurt really bad anytime they got on my cuts. I stood there under the water and closed my eyes. I felt a little better now and the reality of what I had done started to hit me. I really messed myself up this time. I had been sure to really carve the word into myself. At the time, I wanted it to scar. I don't want it to now though. I guess it's too late.

I began crying again because I was so messed up. Why can't I just be normal? Why did I have to be this way? Who would ever love something like me? All I'm doing is giving everyone more of a reason to leave. I'm disgusting and I really don't blame people for not wanting to be around me.

After I stopped crying and I was out of hot water, I got out. I carefully dried off before putting on the clean clothes I had brought with me. I was dressed in a gray, long sleeve shirt and black sweat pants. My body was really sore, but it's my own fault so I can't complain. I was home alone since my mom was grocery shopping, Dad was still at work for another hour, and Mike went to Tony's after school. I checked my phone to see I had a text from Kellin. I read it, but didn't reply. I just didn't feel like interacting with anyone right now. I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over me.

I felt really pathetic as I laid there, but I just didn't feel good. It was something that not many people understood. There were days where I felt really down and didn't want to do anything. The problem is that I have to pretend like I'm fine. I have to get up every day no matter how I feel and go to school and work. Then I have to be around my family and pretend to be happy. In reality, I haven't been happy in a long time. Sure, I might be happy for a short time, but as soon as I was alone, I was sad again.

I heard my phone go off again, but I ignored it. I really like Kellin, but I wasn't in the mood today. This was probably why people left. I push them away. All I want is to find someone who won't walk away just because I have bad days.

\----------------------

"Victor Vincent Fuentes! Wake up!" I groaned and looked up at my brother who was bouncing on the bed to wake me up.

"Go away," I whined and put my pillow over my head.

"Vic, this is important." Mike whined and stopped moving. I groaned again before removing the pillow and rolling on to my back to look up at him.

"What's up?" I asked. He sat crossed legged at my side so he could look down at me.

"I saw Kellin on my way home, why are you ignoring him? He stopped me to ask if you were okay because you're not replying to his texts... Are you okay?" He asked the last part kind of cautiously. Great, I already made Kellin mad. I sighed before sitting up.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just... I haven't felt that great today. I'll give Kellin a call." I said and picked up my phone. Mike just nodded before climbing off of the bed and leaving to give me some privacy. I held the phone to my ear as it rang. I wasn't sure what I was going to tell Kellin. I guess the same lame excuse I gave Mike.

"Hey," I heard Kellin say.

"Hey, Mike said you were asking about me." I said and he gave a nervous laugh.

"Yeah, I was kind of worried about you. I guess I should have known you were okay." He laughed a little again.

"Awe, you're so sweet." I laughed a little. "But I just haven't felt too good today. I really wasn't ignoring you." I felt bad for lying. I actually had been ignoring him, but I knew it would crush him to figure that out.

"Oh, he told you that? Sorry," I smiled at his shy tone.

"It's okay," I told him. There was a silence that became more uncomfortable the longer it lasted.

"Um, are you feeling well enough to hang out for a while?" He finally asked.

"Um... Actually, no, not today." I said in a quiet, awkward tone.

"Oh," he sounded really disappointed which made my heart drop.

"I'm sorry," I said. I wanted to tell him never mind and that he could come over, but I really wasn't in the mood for human interaction today.

"No, it's okay... I hope you get feeling better... Will you give me a call when you do?"

"Of course," I said. It was silently for a few more minutes before he spoke again.

"Okay, um, talk to you later then." I didn't have the chance to reply before he hung up. Great, now I've fucked up with him. I locked my phone before tossing it back to the table before burying myself into the covers again. I silently cried and allowed myself to feel like shit. I just hurt Kellin's feelings and now he thinks I'm a jerk who doesn't care about him.

\-----------------------

The next morning I was laying in bed thinking about what happened with Kellin last night. I hadn't tried to talk to him or anything and I'm sure he's getting fed up with me. The door suddenly opened and I looked up to see my mom walk into the room. The TV and what little light was getting through the closed curtains were the only light in the room, but she was used to it being dark in here. Everyone was used to it by now.

"At your doctors appointment today I want you to talk to her about your... mood. It hasn't been pleasant lately and I think she can help." Mom told me and I sighed.

"You know I don't want to be medicated," I reminded and she nodded her head.

"I know, just promise me you will at least discuss it with her?" I knew my mom wasn't going to leave until I agreed, so I did. She gave me a smile before leaving the room. Not being medicated was a personal choice, I had nothing against treatments. I had just seen the dark side of it all and I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that. I had researched and tried natural remedies and I think they helped, but self harm has become the biggest way I deal with things.

I had talked to my mom about counseling and even found an organization that was about a twenty-five minute drive from our house that offered free counseling for teens. She agreed at first but then talked my dad and they changed their minds. She told me that we couldn't afford to be driving back and forth every week and I said I could drive myself. Then she went on and on about how counseling wouldn't help and I would be wasting my time and gas going over there. I kept pushing it and arguing until my dad yelled at me for it and told me they didn't want me going and that was final. They wouldn't give me a real reason. I remember going to the only help I had ever gotten. The blade.

I did find a free online counseling website that I heard about on Facebook. I made an account but could never bring myself to click on the "Start Chat" button. I've always been afraid that my parents would find out somehow. I didn't like disappointing them and I knew if they found out I went behind their backs and got counseling, they would be mad. I wasn't sure why, but I knew they would be.

Maybe being medicated wouldn't be such a bad thing? If it makes my parents happy, then why not? Even if I would hate it. But Mike is very supportive of my decision to be unmedicated and I had always worried about what type of message I was sending out to him. I just didn't feel like drugs that cause fake happiness was the best way to go. It was a personal choice and I didn't mean to make others think the same. If they were comfortable being medicated then so be it. But I wasn't.

I also didn't want Mike to think that I'm weak for giving in. Then again, I really am weak, but nobody knows that. I groaned and buried my face in my pillows. I hated making decisions like this.

\------------------

I sat in the little room and waited for the doctor. I didn't want to be here because it sucks. But at least this was just a check up. After Dr. Hines came in, she talked to me about normal life stuff for a few minutes before she started to check me over. I was happy that nothing required me removing my shirt or pushing my sleeves up. Dr. Hines was a younger woman with bright blonde hair that came to her shoulders and the most beautiful green eyes. She was normal height and weight and she was the sweetest person ever.

"Okay, any questions?" She asked once she had finished the check up. I felt my heart pounding, but I nodded. "Shoot," she said, turning her full attention to me.

"Um, what are my options when it comes to depression?" I stared at my hands and only looked up when I finished talking. She was giving me a sympathetic smile.

"Well, generally, medication is the way people handle it. But I like to suggest counseling among other things before medication. Have you ever done any counseling?" I shook my head no. "Okay, they just help you figure out your feelings and give you someone you can safely talk to. Now I have a question and most people don't like me asking this because they feel like I'm prying, but you can just answer with 'yes' or 'no'." She paused and looked at me.

"Okay," I said, letting her know to continue.

"The only reason I'm asking this is to determine what route is best to take, okay." I nodded again. "Is there something in your past or even the present that is making you feel this way? Like did something bad happen to you?" I stayed silent for a moment before nodding my head.

"Yeah," I said quietly before looking up. She gave me another sad smile.

"Alright, counseling really does help people with past or present issues that they can't understand. I'm going to suggest that you go to Lamplight. They are extremely nice and I think they are the most helpful. I would like you to go at least once a week for six weeks and if you don't think it's helping, I want you to come back and we will discuss other options. Okay?" I only nodded.

"Alright, I will get that number for you and it's a free organization, so no stress." She gave me another smile before leaving the room. I sat there in silence. I hate the fact that I have to tell my parents that she suggested the very place they refused to let me go to before. But my mom did tell me to talk to her, so maybe it will be different.

I looked up when there was a knock on the door. It opened and a nurse walked in. She gave me a piece of paper with the center's phone number along with some others that I didn't recognize. I thanked her before following her out of the room. I checked out before leaving the building.

I sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel. How was I going to tell my parents? Would this cause another stupid fight? Obviously something is really wrong with me, but my parents didn't know. Maybe if I showed them my cuts they would finally understand. That would solve a lot. Or maybe it would just cause more problems. I groaned before sitting up and starting the car. It was Saturday morning so I had to go home to my mom.

When I walked through the door, I was hoping to run past my mom and hide until I had to go to work. As always, luck wasn't being kind to me. She was sitting on the couch with a book and cup of tea when I walked in.

"Oh, how did everything go?" She asked, putting her book down. I knew what she was actually asking about, but I didn't want to talk about it right now.

"It went good. Everything's normal," I told her before trying to leave.

"Wait, did you ask about your... your mood?" She asked, making hand gestures. I had never actually heard my parents say the word "depression." Not that it surprised me. Things like that were things you kept a secret. This kind of stuff was shameful in my family. Which I guess kind of explains why they didn't want me going to counseling. How would it make them look if their son was seen leaving a counseling center?

"Yeah, I did." I said, hoping that would be good enough. She gave another hand gesture as if saying to continue.

"And?" I let out a heavy sigh before pulling out the folded piece of paper.

"Well, she wants me to go to Lamplight once a week for the next six weeks and if it doesn't help she wants me to come back." I told her and she made a small noise of annoyance and looked like she was resisting the urge to roll her eyes. That hurt. I felt my stomach drop at her actions. I knew this would happen.

"You'll have to go on Saturdays because I don't want this getting in the way of school." She said, still sounding annoyed.

"Okay," I said before finally getting past her and up the stairs. Maybe she'll let me actually go. Of course, we still had to break the news to my dad which is most likely where it all will go south. Even if they don't approve of all of this, why can't they let it be? Why can't they just let me go, turn their heads and pretend it's not happening? It's not like they aren't turning their heads to other things. I'm pretty positive they all know about my alternate way of dealing. Are they really so concerned about what others will think that they would rather let their son hurt himself?

Now I just had to wait until I got off work to see how my dad would react. The bad part was that on Saturdays he works a couple of hours overtime which means I'll get home before he does. I would be there when he first hears the news instead of being able to hide at work until he cools down.

I groaned and buried my face in my pillow. Just kill me now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happened between Vic and his mom actually happened between me and my mom. It's not exactly word-for-word, but it's close.  
> In addition to what I said at the top, this story along with my others are my way of getting my feelings out. I'm trying really hard to quit and writing helps distract me. Also, I really am afraid of being medicated for depression because of some things that happened to a friend and a couple of family members due to being medicated. I have nothing against treatments and I really hope that didn't offend anyone.


	6. A Situation Like This Should Never Exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Self-harm! Please read with caution. I don't want to trigger anyone.
> 
> Title from Denied by Sonic Syndicate

"Vic, come downstairs, your dad wants to talk to you." Mom said when she poked her head into my room. I felt my heart racing as I got up and went downstairs. My dad was standing in the kitchen with his arms crossed and he didn't like angry but he also didn't look happy. I walked in and stood in the doorway.

"Yes?" I asked, trying to keep myself calm. Maybe he'll still let me go. Maybe he just has a condition like Mom did with going on Saturday.

"I don't want you going to Lamplight." He said very plainly. I made a noise of disbelief even though I knew it was coming.

"Why not? Your acting like their a cult or something." I immediately regretted talking back to my dad when I saw the anger in him.

"I said you're not going and that's final." He was starting to raise his voice. I already made him mad, so why not try to get an actual reason out of him.

"Why not? I can drive myself, it's my own money for gas, and this might actually help me." I was raising my voice now, too. My dad stepped towards me but I stayed where I was.

"I'm not going to have people seeing my son going in and out of the loony bin. Now, you better stop talking back to me." I glared at him. Who cares if I get in trouble anymore?

"I'm going to be eighteen in a few months, I think I can start making my own fucking decisions. I'm going." I told him. He came closer to me.

"Until you turn eighteen, I am in charge of you. What I say goes. And if you keep talking back to me, you'll be grounded until you turn eighteen." He yelled. I glared at him for a few more moments before I stormed away and back up the stairs. I slammed my bedroom door shut and went to my nightstand. I grabbed my razor before heading to the bathroom. I stripped down to my boxers and looked over my body. There wasn't much space on my upper body to cut. Normally I would just cut over the other cuts, but I decided to cut on my legs this time. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub with my feet inside it. I began slicing at my legs and allowed myself to break down.

Maybe if I just die everything would be better. My parents wouldn't have to deal with a worthless, fucked up child anymore. Sure, Mike would be crushed, but he'll be okay. He's going way further than I ever will and he's doing better in life than I am. He would be better off without me, too. Plus, if I was gone, my parents would have more money to help send him to a good college and get him started on his own. Everything would be better.

By the time I was done with the blade, my legs pretty much matched the rest of my body. The blood was dripping from me and running down my legs. It gave me something to focus on rather than my thoughts. There was a knock on the door, but I had no intentions of coming out any time soon.

"Vic? Are you okay?" Mike asked I didn't reply. He tried the door but it was locked. "Vic? Please open the door."

"Go away, Mike," I told him.

"Mom and Dad left. Please, Vic?"

"Mike, just go away!" I yelled, my voice breaking because of my crying. It was quiet after that and I heard him walk away. I figure I hurt his feelings, but I didn't really care at the moment. I wanted to be alone right now and I want to feel pain. Any time the cuts would stop bleeding, I would scratch at them to make them start again.

Maybe this is all I'll ever be worth.

\----------------

"Vic, get your ass up." Mike yelled at me. I groaned and rolled over to look at him. He was standing next to my bed with his arms crossed.

"What? What time is it?" I asked, looking at my clock. It was ten AM.

"It's ten, now get up and get dressed." I sat up with a yawn.

"Why?"

"Because, you've been in bed all week unless you're at school or work. I'm not going to let you lay here and be miserable. We're going out to do something, anything." He told me and I sighed.

"I'm not really in the mood," I told him. His face went from a strict, serious expression to a sad one.

"I don't want to sit around here today. Please, can we just go do something?" I rubbed a hand over my face.

"Can't you just call one of your friends?" I asked, a little annoyed now because he won't leave me alone.

"I don't want you just sitting around here all day either. Please, Vic?"

"I don't want-"

"Please?" He begged.

"Mike! I said no! Now just go hang out with someone else." I regretted it the moment I saw the hurt in his eyes.

"Whatever. Lay here and feel sorry for yourself, I don't care... I give up," he said the last part quietly while walking away. I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear the last part, but I did and it hurt a lot. He gave up. He gave up on me. I sighed loudly and ran my hand through my hair. I jumped up out of the bed and ran downstairs.

"Mike?" I called, I found him in the kitchen. "I changed my mind, I'll hang out with you today."

"Don't bother." He said kind of bitterly before he shoved past me. A few moments later I heard the front door slam shut. Great. Just fucking great. I made him mad. I screwed up yet again. After standing there for a few minutes, I decided I didn't want to be here anymore. I went upstairs and quickly changed into jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers. I grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone before heading out, locking the door behind me. I just wanted to clear my head so I decided to walk instead of drive.

After walking around town for about an hour, I stopped at the local coffee shop. While I was waiting in line, I kept my head down. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone today. Once it was my turn, I ordered my drink and stood off to the side to wait. I thanked the person who handed me my drink and headed for the door only to be stopped by a voice.

"Vic?" I look up to see Kellin waiting in line. He smiled when I caught his eyes and walked over to me. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Um, yeah, I haven't felt too great lately." It wasn't a complete lie.

"Yeah, you told me. I guess you're feeling better." He said and I then remembered that he asked me to call him when I was feeling better. I'm sure he now thinks I don't like him.

"Well, not really, I just wanted to get out of the house." I said and he nodded.

"Well, do you mind if I join you?" He had a hopeful look in his eyes and I couldn't tell him no. I already made one person hate me today.

"Sure, I would love that." He smiled brightly and I smiled a little at that.

"Um, are you doing anything specific? Or do you want to go back to my place or something?" He suggested, sounding a bit shy which I thought was cute.

"Uh, could we go back to your place? Mike is kind of pissed at me right now. He left before I did, but I don't want to be there when he gets back." I said and Kellin nodded.

"Yeah, of course," he said. We walked out and to Kellin's car.

"So why is Mike pissed?" He asked after a few moments of silence. I bit my lip because I wasn't sure what to tell him. "You don't have to tell me." 

"No, it's okay. We just had a... misunderstanding," I told him and he nodded.

\----------------

Most of the day had been spent hanging out with Kellin. At some point we ended up laying on his bed in the quiet. He was cuddled up to me and kept moving his hand over my body. He would move his hand over different parts of my body, stopping to let it rest on certain parts. He never touched me in a sexual way though. Well, at first any way.

He slowly moved his hand lower down my body and began rubbing my inner thigh, getting really close to my crotch. I enjoyed having his hands on me, but I can't let this go too far. He leaned up and kissed me softly. It only lasted a short time and I didn't even have the chance to really react.

"You kissed me," I pointed out and he smiled.

"I know," he was suddenly getting shy and it was really cute.

"Can you do it again?" I asked, his smile grew bigger and he seemed a little more secure. He kissed me again, this one lasting longer. Somehow that sweet kiss turned into a full make out session. It was starting to get a bit heated, but I didn't feel the need to stop it. Kellin moved so that he was straddling me before he began kissing me again. I could feel myself getting aroused and it made me a bit nervous because I didn't know how it would make Kellin feel.

"Someone's excited," he said with a small laugh, making me blush. He laughed again before kissing me. He brought his hand down and slipped it under my shirt, running it up my stomach and chest. He broke the kiss off and stared down at me with his eyebrows together. I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. I shouldn't have let this go this far. Before I could stop him, he lifted my shirt up and gasped at my body.

"Vic, oh my god," he said,staring at me. He tried to lift my shirt up and I finally snapped out of it. I shoved him away and fixed my shirt. "Did you do that to yourself?" I didn't look up at him or reply.

"What happened?" Kellin asked and I shook my head. I sat up, pushing him off of my lap.

"I should go," I said, standing up.

"Vic, talk to me," he begged, following me to the living room. I grabbed my shoes and began putting them on, trying my best to ignore Kellin. "Is something going on at school? Are you having problems at home? Or at work?" He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to turn toward him. "What is going on?" His eyes were so scared and sad. I couldn't handle that. That was the look I never wanted to get from someone.

"Kellin, just stop. I'm fine. I have it under control." I lied, hoping he would drop it.

"Really? Because that sure as hell didn't look like you have it under control." Kellin was starting to get angry. Another thing I never wanted to deal with.

"Don't worry about it, Kellin," I warned before going to the door. Kellin didn't try to stop me even though I was kind of hoping he would. I didn't want to talk about it, but I wanted someone to tell me that they care and then hug me tight. I knew nobody would though. Nobody wants to touch something as gross as me. The only thing I was happy about was that he didn't see the word carved into my chest. He probably would have agreed with what I had written.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of making up to do in the next couple of chapters. Bring it on. I have an idea for what the next chapter will be, so hopefully it won't take as long to post. 
> 
> Also, I'm kind of proud of myself today because I'm 14 days self-harm clean! Since my relapse this is the longest I've gone without it.


	7. Kellin Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm going to have a couple of Kellin Interlude chapters to show everyone Kellin's point of view. I'm not sure how many of these there will be. There won't be a lot though. 
> 
> WARNING! There are a lot of dark themes in this chapter. I can't really say what without spoiling the chapter, so if you don't want the chapter spoiled, stop reading this warning now. There's attempted suicide in this chapter.

He cuts. Vic cuts himself. He willingly takes a razor blade and slices open his own fucking body. No matter how much I sat and thought about it, I couldn't wrap my head around it. What reason would someone as amazing as Vic have to do that? What makes this worse is how I reacted. I just let him walk away. I didn't try to stop him or even offer to drive him home. No, I just stayed quiet and let him fucking walk home.

I picked up my phone and sent another text to Vic. He hadn't answered the other fifty I had sent, but maybe he would this time. **Kellin: I'm so sorry. Please talk to me.** It was a lame attempt at getting a response, but I had to know that he was okay. For all I know he could be cutting himself right now because of what I did. I couldn't live with myself knowing he had hurt himself because of me.

"Kellin, come play with us!" Kenzie said after opening my bedroom door. I gave her the best smile I could.

"Not right now, Kenzie. Maybe later," I told her.

"Okay," she seemed kind of disappointed, but I would make it up to her later. "Have you been crying?" She asked, walking over to me. I reached up to rub at my right eye. I had been crying, but I didn't want her to know that.

"What's wrong?" She asked, climbing up on the bed with me. I sighed before looking at her.

"Nothing you need to worry about. I'm fine, I promise. My friend is just having a hard time and I'm worried about him." I explained and she stared at me for a moment.

"Do you need a hug?" I smiled at her and nodded my head.

"I would love a hug," I told her. She crawled over to me and stood on her knees, wrapping her arms around my neck. I hugged her back tightly for a while. "Thank you, Kenzie. Now go play with the others." I told her with a smile. She smiled back before climbing off of the bed and leaving, shutting the door behind her. I checked my phone again but there wasn't any new messages. I couldn't just sit here anymore. I had to know that Vic was okay. I had to apologize.

I slipped my jacket on, grabbed my keys, wallet, and phone, and headed towards the door. I began putting my shoes on when my mom came into the room.

"Where are you going? I ordered pizza," she told me. I looked at the girls sitting on the couch before walking over to my mom.

"One of my friends might be in trouble. I have to go check on him." I told her quietly. She gave me a small smile before nodding her head.

"Call if you need me," she said. I smiled before heading out the door. I got in my car and started towards Vic's. It felt like it took longer to get to his house than usual. Once I finally parked in the driveway, I got out and basically jogged up to the door. I knocked a few times, hoping Vic would answer. I knocked again and still got no answer.

"Damn it," I muttered. I pulled out my phone and looked through my contacts. Tony was good friends with Mike and had a massive crush on him so I was sure he would have his number. I hit the phone icon next to his name and prayed he would answer.

"Hey," he said.

"Do you have Mike's number?" I asked, not bothering with greeting him. For some reason I had a bad feeling about Vic not being here.

"Um, yeah, why?"

"Something happened between Vic and I and I need to get a hold of Mike. Vic left my house and from what I know is not at his house. I don't know where else to look." I explained as I got back into my car.

"Oh, I'll text you the number."

"Thanks, dude," I said before hanging up. A couple of minutes later I got a text from Tony with Mike's number. I copied it into my contacts before calling him.

"Hello?" He asked when he finally answered.

"Mike, this is Kellin. Listen, I think I made Vic mad and he took off and I just have a bad feeling about all of this. Do you know where I could find him?"

"Not really. He takes off every now and then, but not for very long. He might just be at a friend's house or the coffee shop. If you really want to find him, check those places. Or the library or book store, he goes there a lot." Mike didn't seem too worried and that confused me. Maybe he doesn't know. If he knew, Vic disappearing would be a bigger deal.

"Okay, thanks," I said.

"No problem," he then hung up. I really wanted to call him back and tell him what I had discovered, but it wasn't my place to tell anyone. Obviously Vic was trying to keep it from everyone, so I had no right to tell his secret. I started my car and decided I would check the coffee shop first. Maybe he went back there.

After coming up empty at the coffee shop, I decided to head to the library and book store. I parked at the library and walked inside. I walked around the aisles of books for a while with no sign of Vic. I pulled out my phone and tried texting him again.

"Can I help you find something?" A man in a blue button up shirt asked.

"I'm actually looking for someone. Hang on, I have a picture," I told him. I pulled up Facebook and went to his profile before showing the man. "Have you seen him today?" The man studied the picture before shaking his head no.

"Sorry, I've been here since ten and I don't think he's come in here." I nodded before sticking my phone back in my pocket.

"Okay, thanks," I said.

"You're welcome," he said before walking away. I left the library and decided to head to the book store. I drove to the other end of town where it was located. After looking around, I found that he wasn't there. I got back into my car and checked my phone again. Still nothing. He had to be around here somewhere. Then again, he could be at a friend's house like Mike said. I don't know a lot of Vic's friends. Even the ones I do know I don't know where they live. I decided to just head back to the Fuentes home. Maybe Vic had gone home. Even if he hadn't yet, he would have to eventually.

I sat in the driveway and kept looking down both roads. He had to come home eventually, right? Why didn't I stop him? I was broken from my thoughts when a car pulled up to the house pretty fast. I looked over to see Mike jump out the second the car stopped. A guy I didn't recognize got out after shutting off the car. They both rushed up to the door as Mike fumbled with his keys to get the door unlocked. I got out and went up to the door as the other guy took the keys from Mike, saying he would help him.

"Mike what's wrong?" I asked, chasing him into the house when the guy got the door unlocked. Mike was frantic and looked scared as he ran up the stairs. He went through every room while the other guy searched the downstairs. I wasn't sure what they were looking for so I stayed out of their way. "Mike, what's wrong?" I asked again as he passed me. He stopped, seeming to just realize I was there. He pulled out his phone and handed it to me. There was a text from Vic on the screen. Mike looked like he was about to start crying as he ran out the back door. I looked back down at the text to see what Vic said.

**Vic: I'm sorry for everything, Mike. I know this is going to be hard to understand, but I promise you'll be okay. Tell Mom and Dad that I love them. Also, please tell Kellin that I'm sorry. And I'm sorry to you, too, Mike. This is not something you should blame yourself for and I promise you'll get over me. I love you, little bro. Don't forget me.**

My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking by the time I finished reading it.

"Where the hell would he go besides here?" The other guy asked. Mike was so scared and crazed that he couldn't really answer.

"We have to find him." Mike said, close to breaking down completely. He turned to look at me, anger filling his eyes. "This is your fault! You were the last person he was with! What the fuck did you do to him?" He yelled at me. I put my hands up and backed away. The other guy put his hand on Mike's shoulder.

"Don't blame him. Even if he did say something to upset Vic, you know as well as I do that this isn't his fault. Vic hasn't been okay for a long time, Mike. We've all been worried this would happen if he didn't get help." The guy said the last part quietly as if he didn't want me to hear it.

"You're not off the hook yet. I swear to God that I'll kill you if we don't find him." Mike threatened before storming out the door. "Jeremy, come on! We have to fucking find him!" Mike yelled from outside. The other guy hurried out the door and I followed, shutting the door behind me. Jeremy motioned for me to come with them. I got into the back of his car and stayed silent. Mike was already ready to kill me, I didn't need to make it worse by speaking. We drove off to look for Vic, breaking the speed limit by a lot.

"Can you think of any place he would go?" Jeremy asked, Mike thought for a moment and shook his head no.

"Dawson Bridge," I said, making Mike turn to look at me.

"Why would he be there?" He asked, not sounding mad anymore.

"Five people have jumped off of it in the last couple of years.... I'm sure Vic knows that, so maybe he's there." I couldn't believe I was actually saying that about Vic. What were we going to do if we got there and he had already jumped? I won't be able to handle seeing that and I know it will kill Mike.

Dawson Bridge was pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't used too much anymore, just the occasional car. It led into the old park which was mostly just trees, a few benches, and an exercise trail that not many people used anymore. Under the bridge was nothing but hard ground covered in grass and brush. If you jumped from the bridge, there wasn't much chance of you surviving. Which terrified me. If he was already there, he had more than enough to get up the courage to jump.

As soon as we turned the corner and on to the bridge, a figure could be seen standing halfway down. It was hard to tell, but it definitely looked like Vic. Jeremy drove closer to the figure and we realized that it was definitely Vic. Jeremy stopped and I jumped out.

"Vic!" I basically screamed, causing him to look over at me. I was terrified because he was on the other side of the rail and wasn't even holding on to anything. There was very little space on that side. It wouldn't take much for him to fall. Mike and I rushed to him. Mike reached out and grabbed the back of Vic's shirt to hold him in place.

"Vic please climb back to this side. Please don't do this." Mike begged. Vic stared at him for a moment before nodding his head.

"Okay," he said, carefully climbing back over the railing. As soon as he was safely on our side, both Mike and I wrapped him in a tight hug. He broke down crying into Mike's chest.

"You fucking asshole! How dare you even think about doing this! I swear if I wasn't so relieved to see you I would kick your ass!" Mike yelled when we pulled apart. Vic just stood there a took it as if he expected it. Which I'm sure he did. "What the hell were you thinking?" He now had tears running down his cheeks.

"C-Can we not talk about this here? Please, can we just go home?" Vic asked, tears still running down his cheeks. Mike nodded his head and led him back to Jeremy's car. Mike got in the back with Vic and I got up front with Jeremy. The ride was mostly quiet, Mike would say something to Vic or ask him a question every once in a while. Vic hadn't replied to any of them yet though.

Jeremy pulled up to the Fuentes home and we all got out. Vic went straight inside and Mike stopped Jeremy and I.

"Can you two just give us some time? I'll let you know what happens later," he said. Jeremy and I both nodded. Jeremy went to his car and I went to mine. As I drove home, I finally broke down and began crying. 

Oh my god, what have I done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm not really sure what to say here... The next chapter will either be posted tonight or tomorrow. If you want me to go ahead and post it, just say so. Otherwise, I probably will wait until tomorrow to post it.   
> I will warn you now though, the next chapter will go back to Vic's POV and it will be very dark. So be prepared.


	8. You Weren't Supposed To See Me Like This And I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to go ahead and post this chapter tonight too. The next one will be up tomorrow. I was in a bit of a dark place when I wrote this chapter, so it's dark. I was listening to "What Have You Done" by Plan Three while writing this, which I think kind of sets the mood for this chapter. 
> 
> WARNING! Suicide attempt and dark thoughts.
> 
> Title from As A Butterfly by Dead By April.

I walked around town aimlessly for a while after leaving Kellin's. I can't believe he saw my cuts. I can't believe he knows.

_He's going to tell everyone now. He thinks your gross and is going to make your life hell. Everyone is going to know your filthy little secret and there's nothing you can do about it... Except for one thing._

I hated the thoughts that were going through my head, but I knew that they were right. Kellin hates me now. He's going to tell everyone, and will never speak to me again. I reached up to wipe away the tear that slipped out. Maybe there was only one thing left to do. It scared me to think that way, but what other choice do I have? Kellin is going to make my life more of a hell than it already is. My parents are probably going to ship me off somewhere else once word gets out because they can't have a screw up as a son. And Mike already hates me, so of course it'll be worse when he finds out.

Even if Mike hated me, I couldn't do this without giving him a real goodbye. He at least deserves that. I stopped and pulled out my phone to text him.

**Vic: I'm sorry for everything, Mike. I know this is going to be hard to understand, but I promise you'll be okay. Tell Mom and Dad that I love them. Also, please tell Kellin that I'm sorry. And I'm sorry to you, too, Mike. This is not something you should blame yourself for and I promise you'll get over me. I love you, little bro. Don't forget me.**

By the time I had finished typing, I was crying. I hate doing this to Mike, but I know he'll be okay. He'll get over me and move on with his life. He'll do amazing things and I'm kind of sad that I won't be here to see it. He'll be okay. I know he will. I hit send and then continued walking. I still had a long walk to get where I was going.

I had thought about this several times. What I would do if I ever decided to take this step. I weighed out what would take too long, what doesn't have a high rate of working, what would be the most painful, and what would be the most effective. I had narrowed it down to a few ways. None of which were really appealing, but I guess there's no appealing way to end your life. You just pick one, close your eyes, and do it.

I started toward Dawson Bridge. That was one of the things I had picked out. Everything else I had decided on involved me going home. I couldn't right now in risk of running into Mike or my parents. So Dawson Bridge was the best one. I walked at a normal pace. I wasn't really in a hurry to get there, but I was ready for this to be over.

I felt my chest tighten as I walked. There was a lot about life I would miss. Was I making the right choice? Of course I am. I should have done this a long time ago. It would fix a lot of problems. Everyone would move on and things would get better for them. I wasn't doing this for me, but for them. They would be free from my existence. Everything would be better.

I finally got to the bridge and walked about halfway across. The good thing about this time of day is that not many people would be driving across it. Anyone who wanted to come here, was most likely already here. I climbed over the railing that came to about my waist. I gripped on to it tightly once I was on the other side. My breathing sped up and my heart was pounding as I looked down. It sure was a long way down. I stayed completely still, frozen in fear. My whole body was shaking and I felt sick. Maybe I was making a mistake. Maybe this wasn't what I wanted after all.

No, I had to do this. It would end everything. I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I wouldn't have to be afraid, depressed, anxious, or angry anymore. All of that would fade away. I couldn't hurt Mike or my parents or my friends ever again. I wouldn't be a burden and nobody would have to worry about me. Even if I don't actually want to do this, it was for the best. It took everything in me to remove my shaking hands from the railing. I stood up straight and shut my eyes.

_Okay, just count back from ten and then lean forward. It'll be over before you know it._

_Ten._ I thought about Mike. How crushed he'll be when he finds out.

 _Nine._ My parents will only have another reason to be disappointed in me.

 _Eight._ The few friends I have will cry over me, but they'll be okay.

 _Seven._ Kellin would find someone better. Someone who actually deserves him.

 _Six._ I wasn't going to make an impact in this world anyway. Me being gone wouldn't change anything.

 _Five._ The sound of the birds chirping and the rustling of the wind in the trees helped calm me a little. I would miss those sounds.

 _Four._ I would miss a lot about life. But this was for the best.

 _Three._ This was what was best for everyone else. They wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.

 _Two._ I had stopped crying at some point. I had accepted that this was what had to happen.

 _One._ This was it.

"Vic!" I heard a voice scream, making me open my eyes and turn quickly toward the voice. Vic, Mike, and Jeremy were running toward me. Mike got to me first and grabbed the back of my shirt.

"Vic please climb back to this side. Please don't do this." Mike begged. I couldn't do this with Mike watching. There was no way I was going to make him watch me fall and die. I finally nodded my head.

"Okay," I said before carefully climbing back over the railing. The second I was safely over it, both Mike and Kellin wrapped me in a tight hug. I buried my face in Mike's chest and broke down sobbing. What the hell was I about to do? How could I even think of doing that to Mike? We finally broke away from each other which is when Mike began yelling at me which I guess I should have expected.

"You fucking asshole! How dare you even think about doing this! I swear if I wasn't so relieved to see you I would kick your ass!" I stood still and let him yell. He had every right to yell at me. "What the hell were you thinking?" He was crying. Mike never cries. It made my chest hurt to see him cry, knowing I caused it. Everyone was staring at me like they were waiting for me to reply. I couldn't though. How do you tell the ones you love that you feel unloved, unwanted, and worthless? How would I make them understand?

"C-Can we not talk about this here? Please, can we just go home?" I asked, tears still running down my cheeks. Mike nodded his head and led me back to Jeremy's car. Mike got in the back with me while Kellin and Jeremy were up front. Mike kept saying things to me or asking me questions. I didn't reply though. The realization of what I was about to do hit me hard. Mike was right, what the hell was I thinking?

As soon as the car stopped, I got out and basically ran to the house. I was surprised to find it unlocked but thankful at the same time. I ran inside and up to my room. As soon as I was behind the door, I broke down again. How did I end up this screwed up? I was about to jump off of a fucking bridge! What the hell is wrong with me? I paced back and forth in my room and pulled at my hair while I cried. I can't believe I almost did that. Then the fear and sadness on everyone's faces when they found me.

I wasn't surprised when the door opened and Mike walked in. I expected him to follow me. He shut the door behind himself and stood there watching me. His eyes were still glazed over and red, but he had himself together now. He didn't say anything, just watched me pace and cry. After about ten minutes of this, I finally sat down on the bed with my head in my hands. At least I had stopped crying. Mike sat down beside me and rubbed my back.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

"You need help, Vic." He told me, making me shake my head.

"Mom and Dad already said no."

"Fuck what they said. You almost jumped off of a fucking bridge, Vic. I don't care what has to happen, but you need help. I can't lose you." His tone was so desperate and it killed me. I couldn't just leave Mike like that. Not when he thinks he needs me. I finally nodded my head before lifting it to look at him.

"Okay, no matter what it takes, I'll go to Lamplight tomorrow." I told him and he gave me a weak smile. I knew my parents would be pissed, but I was doing this for Mike. He deserves a better brother than me. I had to get better for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now go watch some puppy or kitten videos to get rid of those feels you feel.


	9. Another Life Another Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things, I have nothing against the Fuentes parents in real life. They seem like pretty cool parents. And Mr. Fuentes's opinion on vegetarianism and hippies is completely for the story. I personally have nothing against it. I get called a hippie or asked if I am one a lot because of how I act.  
> Also, I really hope this chapter isn't a let down. It's kind of a filler chapter. The next one will be better.
> 
> Title from Stitches by Allele

I was nervous as I left the house. I had lied to my parents when they asked where I was going, telling them I was hanging out with Kellin. I made Mike swear that he wouldn't tell anyone that I was going to Lamplight. I couldn't afford Mom and Dad finding out. I decided to stop and get a cup of coffee before going to Lamplight.

I saw Kellin sitting at one of the round tables in the corner and tried to sneak out before he caught me. I hadn't talked to him since yesterday. He had been texting me to see if I was okay, but I never replied. I couldn't face him. I had barely even talked to Mike after we got home. I definitely regret what I did, but the scary thing is that I could see me doing it again. I also cut last night. I felt horrible afterward, but I couldn't help it. Everything was just too much to handle, including the fear of today.

"Vic," Kellin caught up to me outside. I sighed and turned around to face him. He smiled at me, but I saw the worry in his eyes.

"Hey," I said. We stood in awkward silence for a few moments. I finally just decided to tell him where I was going. Hopefully that would ease his worry. "I'm heading over to Lamplight today. I promised Mike I would." I said quietly in fear that someone might over hear me. Kellin gave me a warm smile.

"I'm really proud of you, Vic.... Do you maybe want to go out... on a date... with me? Like later tonight?" I smiled but it fell just as soon as it appeared. After everything, why would he want me?

"Are you sure?" I asked and he nodded his head.

"Of course I'm sure." He bit his lip and looked down. He finally looked back up at me. "A-Actually, I was kind of hoping you would agree to be my... b-boyfriend? I mean, we've hung out and kissed." I smiled at him, he was so cute when he was shy.

"I would love that," I told him. I stepped forward and placed my hand under his chin to lift his head up before I kissed him softly. He smiled into the kiss which made me smile. Once we pulled away, his smile brightened. "I really should get going though." I told him and he nodded his head.

"Yeah, of course. Call me later?" He asked and I nodded my head. He smiled again before going back into the coffee shop. I went back to my car, figuring I could survive without coffee. I started to drive toward Lamplight. My heart was beating faster as I got closer. I wasn't sure what to expect today. What kind of questions would they ask? Would they need to contact my parents?

Once I got to the building, I sat in my car for a while and stared at it. It looked welcoming. It was a two story building with a lot of windows and a black sign over the double doors that said 'Lamplight' in white letters with gold light streaks coming from behind it. I took a deep breath before getting out of the car. I walked up to the doors and took another deep breath before opening them. I looked around, unsure where I was supposed to go. This room was set up like a sitting area. There were two couches facing each other with a table in the middle and a comfy looking chair on each end of the two couches, also facing the table. There was artwork hanging on the walls and plants in the room. There was a hallway leading back away from this area, but I wasn't sure where it led to. I didn't want to end up somewhere I wasn't allowed.

After debating it for a few minutes, I walked down the hallway which broke off into two different directions. I looked down both new hallways. One had an arrow pointing down it that said 'Office'. I turned that way, hoping there would be more signs. I made it almost to the end of the hallway when I noticed a door at the end with a plaque beside it that said 'Trevor McNevan' and said 'Office' under the name. I looked around before going to the door and knocking a couple of times.

"Come in," a man said from the other side. I opened the door carefully and peeked in. There was a man with short, black hair sitting at a desk. He smiled when I looked in. "Hello, can I help you?" He asked and I nodded.

"Um, my name is Vic Fuentes. Um, I was hoping to get some help." I said it more like a question, as if I could possibly be in the wrong place. He gave me a kind smile.

"Come on in and have a seat." He stood up when I got closer and held out his hand. "I'm Steve Augustine." I shook his head, pulling my eyebrows together.

"The sign on the door says Trevor." I pointed out and he chuckled.

"Trevor's hosting Group Connection right now, so I'm filling in for him here. You'll get to meet him in a bit." He explained, I only nodded in response. I sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk and he sat back down behind it. "Alright, so do you want me to go over everything we offer here?" I nodded my head.

"Well, like I mentioned, we have something called Group Connection which is basically an open space to talk about what's going on in your life. It's a safe place to connect with others going through the same things as you. Most new people aren't too attracted to the idea." He chuckled a little, making me smile.

"We also offer one-on-one counseling, psychological diagnosis, step-by-step treatment plans, and housing. Of course, housing is at a separate location and is really only for severe cases." He explained and I nodded. "All of our staff is trained and all of our psychologists are professionals with a degree in psychology. All information is confidential. Of course, if a hospital requests your records with good cause or a judge orders for it to be shown, we have to. Any questions so far?"

"Yeah, I'm only seventeen, but I'll be eighteen in four months. Will I need my parents permission to participate in your programs?" I bit my lip, scared for the answer. He sighed and folded his hands on the desk. Great, here it comes.

"Not necessarily. For housing and certain treatments you will need the permission and signature of a parent or guardian." He explained and I nodded my head.

"Okay," I replied.

"Now, normally we start you out in one-on-one counseling and then go from there. At any time you can request to see a psychologist and get a diagnosis or you can request we work out a treatment plan for you. Of course, once you've worked with your counselor long enough, he or she will most likely work with you on a treatment plan."

"Alright," I said, letting him know I understood.

"Now, I'm going to have you fill out some paperwork." He got up and went to a file cabinet behind the desk and pulled out some papers before placing them on a clipboard. He grabbed a pen and handed it to me along with the clipboard. He sat down and began doing something on the computer while I filled out the papers. It was just basic stuff. I had managed to calm myself down a little as I worked on the papers.

I turned to look behind me when I heard the door open. A man with a blonde mohawk walked in, looking down at a clipboard in his hands.

"Oh, hello, I'm Trevor McNevan." He held out his hand to me with a kind smile.

"I'm Vic Fuentes," I replied, shaking his hand. He smiled and walked over to a long table lining one of the walls and began going through the papers on it. I went back to filling out the papers I had.

"I'm finished," I said, feeling bad for interrupting Mr. Augustine from whatever he was doing. He smiled at me and took the clipboard.

"Trevor, do you want to take over with him while I make a copy of this? I also need to get going here soon." Mr. Augustine said as he stood up.

"Yeah, no problem," Trevor answered. He sat down in the chair behind the desk while Mr. Augustine left the room, patting my shoulder on his way out. "Okay, I assume Steve went over pretty much everything? Like what we offer here."

"Yeah, he did. He also told me that I would be starting in one-on-one counseling." I explained and he nodded.

"Alright, it looks like Steve is putting you with Matt Brooks. He's a really nice guy who is great with our clients." I nodded my head with a small smile.

"Um, w-when do I meet with him?" I asked, Trevor bit his lip before looking on the computer.

"Well, he's off today, but he has room to see you tomorrow at four. Would that work?" I bit my lip and thought about it. If I disappeared too often, my parents would get suspicious. But if I started only leaving on Saturday morning, my mom would probably figure it out. "If that doesn't work, we can find a different time."

"No, it's just.... My parents don't really know I'm here and I'm worried about giving it away." I explained and he pulled his eyebrows together.

"May I ask why your parents don't know? Remember that you don't have to tell me anything." He said kindly.

"They don't really agree with this," I explained. He nodded, seeming to understand.

"Believe it or not, we see that a lot. If you ever decide you would like to suggest family counseling to them, we can help set that up. We can even help with the conversation leading to it." I smiled at him and nodded. Like I would ever get my parents to agree to that.

"So what day works best for you. You have complete control over what happens here. We won't force you into anything here, especially treatments." Trevor explained in a soft tone. I gave him a small smile before nodding my head.

"Tomorrow at four works," I said and he kindly smiled at me before typing on the computer.

"Would you like me to show you around? It sometimes helps new clients feel more comfortable being here." He offered.

"Sure," I replied. I needed my nerves to calm down and maybe this would help. It wasn't only being here and taking this step that scared me, it was my parents. What were they going to do when they find out? I would probably be kicked out. Maybe I could keep it from them for four months?

\----------------

"How did it go?" Mike asked as soon as I walked through the door. I shrugged, looking around the house. "Mom and Dad are at the store. Since it's nice out Dad wants to cook on the grill." I nodded my head before taking my shoes off and walking over to the couch where Mike was sitting.

"Today went okay. Look, I know you're worried, but I would really rather not talk about this. It's nothing personal, but.... it's hard to talk about.... I think it's better if you just support me without knowing the dark details." I explained, his face fell a bit, but he nodded his head.

"Okay," he agreed. I knew he wanted to know all of the details and use it to help me however he could, but I couldn't talk about this with him. Or anyone for that matter. This was strictly between me and the people at Lamplight. "Mom said you could invite Kellin over tonight. I invited Tony."

"Oh yeah, I ran into Kellin at the coffee shop and he.... he asked me to be his boyfriend and to go out tonight." I told him and he smiled brightly.

"Yes! There's still hope that you won't die a virgin!" Mike cheered, grabbing my head and holding it to his chest, making me laugh. I shoved at him, finally breaking free.

"Asshole," I laughed, getting up from the couch. Mike was laughing as he followed me. I grabbed a pop out of the fridge before leaning against the counter, Mike was leaning against the other one, facing me. "So are you and Tony official? Or just screwing?" He chuckled, making me smile wider.

"For you information, we haven't screwed... yet anyway." I made a disgusted face.

"TMI, little bro," he laughed again.

"And, yes, we're official. He's still nervous about it because his parents don't know he's gay." Mike explained and I nodded my head. I remember how hard it was to come out to our parents. I came out before Mike did. My parents weren't happy at first, but learned to accept it.

"Are his parents not accepting?" I asked and Mike shrugged.

"I don't much about them. Tony said that his dad likes to make fun of homosexuals and his mom made a comment about 'an unfortunate situation' when a friend's daughter came out." I only nodded. I knew what that was like, too. Of course the jokes and comments have become fewer now that my parents have two gay sons. Mike pulled out his phone as it rang. He answered it and walked to the other room. I took that time to text Kellin and invite him over tonight. I hoped he wouldn't be mad at the change of plans. I know he asked me out, but maybe staying in would be fine, too.

"Alright, Tony's on his way." Mike said when he came back. His demeanor had changed though, something was off. "Um, do you think Mom and Dad would let Tony crash here a couple of nights? He said he doesn't want to face his parents." Mike's voice trailed off and I pulled my eyebrows together.

"Yeah, I'm sure they would be fine with that." I said, knowing they would be. Our friends were over all of the time. As long as we don't make a mess and aren't too loud, our friends were welcomed. "Is everything okay?"

"It's not really my place to say what happened, but it will be eventually." He explained and I nodded my head.

"I'm gonna go shower before Kellin gets here." I said, replying to the text I had gotten from Kellin saying he would love to come over. I was hoping he didn't have his hopes too high to impress my parents. Nothing I do can impress them. They always made comments about my friends, I'm sure it wouldn't be different with my boyfriend.

\---------------

Having everyone at the house was going a lot better than I had expected. Kellin was kind of shy around my parents, so he didn't talk much when they were in the room. He opened up more when it was just him, Mike, Tony, and myself. My parents weren't paying much attention to us anyway. My dad was still pretty mad at me, but was being civil since we had company.

Kellin, Mike, Tony, and I were currently sitting in the living room watching a movie. I had my arm around Kellin who was cuddled up at my side. Mike kept messing with Tony by kissing him, rubbing his hand on his thigh, or whispering things in his ear, all of which made Tony's face go red. I know Mike thinks it's cute when Tony blushes which is why he kept doing it.

Kellin leaned up and kissed me on the cheek, making me smile down at him. I was happy to have him here. After everything that's gone on recently it was nice to have a good thing in my life.

 _He's only with you because he feels sorry for you._ I was shocked by the sudden thought. I tried to shake it away, but it was still there. What if that was true? I mean, he asked me out _after_ I tried to kill myself. Maybe he really does feel sorry for me.

"What?" Kellin asked with a smile, breaking me from my thoughts. I didn't realize I had been staring at him. I forced a smile in return.

"Nothing," I told him. He smiled at me for another moment before turning his attention back to the movie.

"Mike, stop," Tony giggled, I looked over to see Mike kissing Tony's neck. I was happy Mike had Tony. He deserved someone as nice, sweet, and genuine as Tony is.

"Can we go up to your room?" Kellin asked quietly and I nodded my head. We both stood up and I took Kellin's hand as we went upstairs. Once we were in my room, Kellin led me over to the bed. We both laid down and he cuddled up to me, making me smile. I began running my hands up and down his back in a soothing way. "So how did things go at Lamplight?" Of course.

"It went good." I told him, hoping he wouldn't push it.

"Well, what did they say?" I sighed and thought for a moment. I didn't want to upset him, but I couldn't tell him after I refused to tell Mike. It wouldn't be fair.

"Look, I already told Mike that what happens there is between me and the people there. The main thing I need is support right now." I explained and his face fell the same way Mike's did. I knew this was hard for them to understand.

"Okay, I'll support you no matter what," he gave me a small smile which I returned. I leaned forward and connected our lips. It was just a soft, passionate kiss.

"Break it up," Mike said, we broke apart to see him in the doorway. "Dinner's almost done, come back downstairs." He then turned and left. I sighed and tightened my grip on Kellin when he tried to get up.

"Not yet, just another minute," I told him, making him smile. He got comfortable again and I went back to rubbing his back. After a little while I let out a loud sigh. "I guess we should get down there." I let go of him, letting him sit up. I got up also and followed him downstairs, holding his hand again.

"Do your parents know about yesterday?" Kellin whispered to me when we got to the bottom of the stairs. I shook my head no.

"They probably wouldn't care anyway," I told him. I kept a hold of his hand while walking into the dinning room. I didn't want to have this conversation right now. "Smells great," I said, taking my seat. Kellin sat beside me, Dad at the head of the table, Mom was on the other end, and Mike and Tony sat across from Kellin and I.

We began putting food on our plates, Kellin sticking to what Mom had made as sides.

"Don't you want some chicken?" Dad asked, looking right at Kellin who seemed to shrink a little.

"I-I'm actually a vegetarian, Sir," he explained, making my dad scoff.

"I tell ya, those hippies that are out there on the streets are ruining the kids these days. Putting those stupid ideas of theirs in the heads of kids." I internally groaned. I couldn't believe my dad just said that, though I guess I should have expected it. I saw Kellin shrink even more.

Kellin and I mostly just listened to everyone else talk after that. My parents were crazy about Tony, so they spent most of the time talking to him. I kept glancing at Kellin, hoping that he wasn't feeling left out. I was mad at my parents for basically ignoring Kellin today. They both like Kellin. Was it just because we were now dating? I knew that was going to happen. My parents and I had our good days, but they were becoming fewer now. Which kind of sucks.

"So Kellin, what are your plans for your future?" My mom asked.

"Um, I would love to be in a band. My friends and I actually-" Mom cut him off.

"That's nice for now, but I meant a real career. You know to support your family one day." I saw Kellin's face fall a little which he tried to cover up with a smile.

"Um, I guess I hadn't really thought about it. Music is my main goal." Mom just hummed in response, not seeming impressed.

"And what about you, Tony?" She asked.

"Um, I thought about getting into production." Tony explained.

"That's a good paying job. You'll be able to support a family just fine." Mom said, I noticed Kellin slumped down a little. I really hope that he didn't take offense to what my mom said. She had no say in what he does with his life.

The rest of dinner was a bit awkward. My parents went back to ignoring Kellin, who seemed kind of happy about it. After I helped cleaned up, Kellin and I went back to my room. This time I shut the door and we laid together. It eventually turned into making out.

"I should probably go. You're parents don't seem to like me too much." Kellin said, breaking the kiss. He was straddling me and I had my hands on his hips.

"Don't worry about them. As long we're up here, they won't care either way." I told him and he nodded again. I gently began rubbing my hands up and down his thighes. Not in a sexual way, just in a comforting way. I really wish Kellin wouldn't think too much about what my parents think. It only leads to disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this was going to be posted yesterday, but I got busy and then lazy. So it's now 2 AM and I'm finally posting it, lol.  
> I also want to say thank you to everyone reading, even you silent readers. I never really expected anyone to enjoy my stories on here since there are so many that are WAY better than mine. So it means a lot that you guys are giving me a chance. ^.^


	10. Can't Seem to Leave It All Behind You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Secrets And Regrets by Pillar.  
> I don't think I ever clarified who Matt Brooks is for the people who don't know. He's from the bad Like A Storm, one of my favorites. :)  
> Okay, before you read this chapter, I need to warn you. This chapter deals with dark secrets. It might be uncomfortable for some people to read.  
> If you don't want the chapter to be ruined, don't read this part of the note. This chapter deals with self harm and child molestation, also there's a part about being pressured into sex, but I'm not sure what warning that would fall under.

It was three AM and I was still up. Kellin had decided to stay the night with me, his mom was cool with it as long as he wasn't late for school tomorrow. He was cuddled up to me and I had my arms tightly around him, but even that wasn't helping. I thought that having Kellin here would make things better. Like in all of those movies and books where you meet someone who looks past all of your flaws and you get better because they love you. Why couldn't that be real? Why couldn't love and affection be the cure to depression and cutting?

I finally decided to give the demons in my head what they wanted. I gently moved Kellin, trying my hardest not to wake him up. He stirred a little and opened his eyes when I was standing up.

"Where you going?" He asked sleepily.

"Just to the bathroom, go back to sleep." I told him and he nodded, his eyes already closed. I got up and sneaked to my drawer. This was the tricky part, I had to get one of my razors without waking Kellin again. I carefully and slowly opened the drawer, hating that Kellin had fallen asleep on the same side of the bed. Once I had it open enough, I reached in and felt around. I finally found the razor that was wrapped in tissue paper. I left the drawer open just so I wouldn't have to worry about it when I got back.

Once I was in the bathroom, I took my shirt off. I began cutting across my stomach, re-opening some of the cuts that were still healing. I used tissue paper to make sure none of the blood got on my pants. As I stared down at all the cuts and scars on my body, I broke down. Why the hell do I do this? Why do I have to be the screwed up one? Why do I have to hate myself?

I just want to feel loved and happy again. I honestly can't remember what it was like to be truly happy. Or what it was like to not wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I want to remember what it's like to not worry about what others think. To not get insecure any time someone laughs near me.

I was angry at myself. I hate myself so much. I began slicing at my body again, not caring how deep the cuts were. I wanted to give myself exactly what I deserve. I broke down and cried so hard it actually hurt. Why couldn't they had just let me jump? This would all be over and everyone's lives would be better.

"Oh my god," I snapped my head up to see Kellin standing in the door way. I hadn't locked the door because it's the middle of the night and who would open the door when there was clearly someone in here?

"What the hell? Why didn't you knock?" I asked, trying to control my crying.

"Because I could hear you crying." Kellin said, his expression was heartbroken. "Oh my god, Vic." He whispered, looking over my body which made me feel insecure.

"Just go," I told him. I grabbed some tissue and began trying to clean the blood off of myself.

"Here, let me help," he said, walking towards me.

"Kellin, just go back to bed." I snapped, trying to stay quiet so I wouldn't wake up anyone else.

"I'm not leaving you," he told me. He wasn't angry, he sounded desperate. He grabbed some tissue before turning back to me. He hesitated for a moment before very gently cleaning some of the blood off of my stomach. Once most of the blood was cleaned up, I started trying to get the cuts to stop bleeding. Kellin just quietly stood beside me and waited. I was focusing on one of the cuts when I felt Kellin kiss my cheek. I turned my head to look at him.

"I love you," he said, his eyes were filling with tears. This was exactly why I never wanted someone to see me like this. I didn't want to hurt anyone else but myself.

"I love you, too." I replied and I meant it. I really do love Kellin, I just wish he didn't love me. I wish nobody loved me. Then leaving this Earth would be a lot easier. I could leave knowing that I didn't hurt anyone by doing so.

After my cuts stopped bleeding, I carefully put my shirt back on and Kellin took my hand. He led me back to my bedroom and we laid down. He was a bit hesitant to cuddle up to me, but I pulled him towards me to show him it was okay. He was careful as he laid his head on my chest.

"I understand why you do it." Kellin said, finally breaking the silence.

"What?" There was no way Kellin understood this. Someone like him doesn't go through this.

"Do you remember Jaime's party? How he made sure to tell me that bedrooms were off limits? And then Jack messing with me?"

"Yeah," I replied, wondering what that had to do with being like me.

"Well, I used to date Gabe Barham, I don't know if you know him, but anyway, we dated for about a year. He had been with a few people before me while I had only been with one. I wasn't ready to have sex yet, but he wanted to. I finally gave in and slept with him. I regretted it afterwards because it didn't feel right. I told him all the time that I loved him, but I never had that deep connection to him. You know, the one where you still get butterflies when they do something cute for you or how get that swelling feeling in your chest when you think about them? I never had that with him.

"Well, I kept sleeping with him pretty much every chance we got. The more I did, the more I regretted it. Then one night, Jesse Lawson had a party at his house. I don't know if you came or not, but I know Jaime was there. I don't like being drunk and at that time I never had been, so I kind of stayed away from the alcohol. But Gabe got drunk with everyone else. For some reason, him and Jesse decided they wanted to have a threesome with me." Kellin stopped and by now I could feel him shaking a little. I tightened my arms around him, hoping it would make him feel safe.

"I refused at first, but then Gabe got mad at me. He told me that if I really loved him I would keep him happy and kept going on about how selfish and bitchy I was being. After a while of listening to him put me down, I felt so horrible for refusing, so I gave in. We went to Jesse's room and they both had sex with me." Kellin sniffled a little and reach his hand up to wipe his cheek. I was angry that anyone had ever hurt Kellin. He doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

"Then they told everyone about it. Everyone started teasing me for being a slut. People still do. The last two guys I've been with were just trying to get me in bed. When I refused, they got mad and broke up with me.... I used to like Jack. He was one of the few people who were still nice to me and didn't treat me like a slut or make fun of me. Then he asked for a dance at the party and I guess I still had some of those feelings, so I agreed. Then he wanted to go upstairs and wouldn't take no for an answer, well, you know the rest."

"Kellin, I'm so sorry," I told him, squeezing him a little tighter.

"I get it, Vic. I thought about the same thing several times. I knew someone who did it and she explained that it helped relieve the pain and stress. That was what I needed and I thought about it. I never did it though, I was always too afraid."

"I'm glad you didn't do it." I said, and he sighed.

"I wish you wouldn't do that to yourself, but I understand why you do." I wasn't sure what to say after that. We fell back into silence and after a while I could hear Kellin snoring lightly. I laid there and thought about what Kellin had told me. I don't get how someone could ever hurt Kellin. It killed me to know he had ever felt the same way I do.

\---------------------

The next morning, Kellin and I hid out in my room until he had to leave for school. He had to leave a little earlier than I do since he has a bit farther to drive. I was now finishing getting ready and thinking about last night. Kellin didn't bring it up which I was kind of happy about. I want to pretend that last night never happened, but eventually it would be brought up.

As I headed out the door with Mike and Tony, I got a text from Kellin.

 **"See you tonight. ;)" -Kellin.** I smiled and typed back a quick reply.

 **"Looking forward to it." -Vic.** I had told Kellin that I was going to Lamplight after school and I asked if he would like to stay the night again. He said he would have to ask his mom, which he did this morning, and would let me know when she replied. Based on his text, I assume she said it was okay.

"Are you going to talk to your parents?" I heard Mike whisper. Him and Tony were in the backseat cuddling each other.

"I don't know," Tony whispered back. I was trying not to eavesdrop, but it was hard when they were so close. I pretended to not hear their conversation. "Do you think I should?"

"Yeah, I do. The news probably just shocked them." Mike whispered to him. I glanced in the rear view mirror to see Tony cuddle more into Mike. I had a pretty good idea of why Tony wanted to stay at our house. Mike did say that Tony's parents don't know he's gay. Maybe they found out. Based on their conversation, I'm sure that's probably what's going on. I wasn't going to ask though.

When we got to the school, we went our separate ways. People greeted me as I walked past them, but nobody really stopped to talk to me. Just like every other day.

"Look it's the little fag!" Adam Gontier. Of couse. "I hear ya got yourself a cock sucker." I tried to ignore him and walk faster, of course he followed me with his goons. Stephen Wallace being one of them. All of them except for Stephen were just verbal tormentors. Stephen could be physical, too. Which sucks for me on most days.

"Have you gotten him in bed yet? I mean, he is a slut, it shouldn't be that hard." Stephen commented, making the others laugh.

"Fuck off!" I shouted, tired of the way they were talking about Kellin.

"Ooh, soft spot. What? You don't believe he's a little slut?" Neil asked, snickering with the others. I didn't answer because I wasn't getting into this with them. I tried to tune them out as they continued to talk shit about Kellin. I finally got to my class and walked in, leaving them in the hallway. I don't have any of them in this class which I'm happy about. I sat down in my usual spot next to Jaime and pulled out my phone.

 **"School sucks... I need cuddles. :'(" -Vic.** I sent it to Kellin and almost instantly got a reply.

 **"I'm sorry, baby. :( I'll give you all the cuddles you want tonight. ;)" -Kellin.** I smiled at the text, but didn't get to reply because of class starting. I stuck my phone in my pocket and tried to pay attention.

The rest of school involved me avoiding Adam and his crew. I was beyond happy to finally be free. I was standing by my car texting Kellin while I waited for Mike and Tony. I was starting to get scared because of going to Lamplight. Mike and Tony finally got to the car and we all got in.

"Can you run us to Tony's house instead of home?" Mike asked, Tony looked really nervous.

"Yeah, sure," I said, heading in that direction. Tony didn't live far from the school so it wasn't like it was a big deal. "Hey, um, I have a meeting at Lamplight at four. So I might not be able to pick you up."

"That's fine.... I'm really glad you're going, Vic." I smiled as I stopped in front of Tony's house. "See ya at home," Mike said before getting out.

"Thank you," Tony said, following Mike. I just smiled and nodded my head once. I waited until they were both inside before pulling away. My heart was pounding as I drove towards Lamplight. I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, what is this Matt guy going to ask? Was he going to be some overly proper, old man? I know Trevor said that Matt's nice, but what if that's just show? What if he doesn't really care whether I get better or not?

I sat in the car and tried to get myself under control. Once I felt ready, I got out and walked inside. I want to the office since I had no clue where I was going.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to show up." Trevor said when I opened the door after knocking. I was a couple of minutes late since I was having a hard time coming inside.

"Yeah, sorry I'm late. A-Am I still going to see Matt?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yeah, follow me," he said before leading me out of the room. I followed him through the halls. He opened a door and motioned for me to go on in. There was a guy sitting in a chair with hair that was blond, red, and brown that came almost to his shoulders. He was tan, muscular, and had a little bit of facial hair. He looked up and smiled, pulling out his earbuds.

"You must be Vic," the guy said, standing up and holding out his hand. "I'm Matt," he told me as I shook his hand.

"I'll let you guys get started," Trevor said before leaving. I stood there awkwardly since I wasn't sure what to do.

"Do you want to do this the professional way?" He pointed to the desk with a chair behind it and another in front. "Or the comfortable way?" He then pointed to a small sitting area near the window that had a red couch along the wall and two arm chairs across from it with a coffee table in the middle.

"Um, comfortable?" I said like it was a question.

"I already like you," Matt told me with a smile. He then walked over to a small table in the opposite corner that had a coffee maker sitting on it. "Coffee? I only have that and water in here, but if you want a soda or something, I can go get you one."

"Um, coffee's fine," I said and he nodded his head. He grabbed two cups and poured coffee in them. He brought over a container of sugar and some little cups of creamer and set them on the coffee table before bringing the cups with spoons over. I thanked him as he handed me one of the cups.

"Have a seat, make yourself at home." I sat down on the couch and he sat in one of the recliners. "So why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"

"Um, like what?" I asked, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Hobbies, favorite music, pets, what you did this week for fun, if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend. You know, just the basic stuff."

"Um, I-I don't really have hobbies. I play guitar, I guess that's a hobby. I like pretty much anything when it comes to music. I don't have any pets. Um, m-my boyfriend stayed the night with me last night, that was fun. Um, I can't think of anything else." I said, he was smiling the whole time.

"Why don't you tell me about your boyfriend?" I was kind of surprised he was so cool with me being gay since this is actually an organization owned by Christians. But I guess it wasn't fair for me to judge them based on some Christians' opinions.

"Well, we've only been together officially since yesterday, but we've been kind of acting like a couple for a couple of months now. His name is Kellin and he's incredible." I blushed a little. I wasn't used to talking about Kellin to others in this way. Matt seemed okay with it though based on his smile.

"And does he know you're here?" My smile dropped a little and I nodded.

"Yeah, he does," I said and he nodded.

"Do you mind me asking what he knows?" I bit my lip. I guess this was the whole reason I'm here. I'm sure he hears a lot of stories. Mine can't be too surprising, right?

"Well, the thing that brought me here was a, um..... A, um, suicide attempt." Matt had a sympathetic look in his eyes as he listened. "Um, I tr-tried to jump off of a bridge and Kellin, my brother, and our friend stopped me." I explained slowly.

"What made you want to jump?"

"K-Kellin saw my cuts and we kind of got into a small argument about it and I left and he didn't try to stop me. I walked around for a while and just thought about everything and decided to finally do it." I explained, my heart hammering in my chest.

"You've thought about it before?"

"Y-Yeah," was all I managed to get out.

"Do you remember when this all started? What happened originally?" I bit my lip and nodded my head yes.

"Um, I've dealt with it since I was thirteen. I started getting bullied really bad and my family put a lot of pressure on me... I just sort of broke down, I guess." It wasn't the full story, but it was awkward talking to him since we just met.

"Why do you feel pressured by your family?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"They sort of expect me to be perfect because they were both over-achievers when they were younger. Plus they want me to be a role model for my brother, Mike." I explained and he nodded his head.

"How is your relationship with Mike?"

"It's great, really. I mean, it gets frustrating having to act perfect for him, but I think he sees through that." I know he sees through it now. He knows I'm not the perfect, strong brother he thought he had. I'm a screw up who tried to jump off a bridge.

"You said he knows about all of this? Did he know before the incident at the bridge?"

"I think he did. He never confronted me about it really, but I think he knew." And it killed me that he did.

"Why don't you tell me more about the first time you remember feeling this way." I took a deep breath and prepared myself for this. I had never talked to anyone about any of this. I guess now is a good time to start.

\------------------------

Kellin and I were laying on my bed in the quiet. I had been feeling weird since leaving Lamplight. I told Matt a lot more than I thought I would. I hadn't really talked to anyone since getting home. I asked Kellin to come over as soon as I got home, which he did, and we had been hiding out in my room ever since. We went downstairs to eat dinner, but that was pretty much it. I was happy my parents remembered, and respected, that Kellin is a vegetarian and made spaghetti and garlic bread with salad.

"Are you okay?" Kellin asked again. I just nodded my head. I had been wanting to talk to Kellin about everything. I told Matt how I just felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and mentioned how Kellin was trying to be there for me. He suggested I work on trusting Kellin because it would help me realize I don't have to face life alone. That was easier said than done. He explained that it didn't have to be right away, but I didn't know how else to do it other than just jump into it.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked, already knowing the answer. There was one thing I had never told another soul and I never thought I ever would. I even made a promise to myself that no matter what I wasn't going to tell Matt. But knowing Kellin's reaction to this would show me how much I could really trust him.

"Of course," he said, moving so he could look at me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I sat up, sitting cross-legged and Kellin copied me. I took another deep breath.

"When I was five..." I wasn't sure I could actually say it. I had promised myself I would _never_ tell another human this.

"You can trust me," Kellin said, taking my hand and squeezing it a little. I nodded my head, closing my eyes again. Maybe if I just pretended he wasn't here it would be easier.

"When I was five, my older cousin started.... Well, he would..." I bit my lip, unable to bring myself to say it. "T-Touch me." My voice was so quiet I wasn't sure Kellin heard me.

"Oh my god," he whispered. Yeah, he heard me. At least it was out now. "How long did this go on?" I really wish he wouldn't ask questions about it.

"Before I answer any questions, I need to know you won't tell anyone. I mean, no other living being can know what I just told you." I looked at him to see if he was being sincere when he answered.

"Of course, I would never tell others something you told me in confidence." He said, squeezing my hand again.

"He finally stopped when I was eleven."

"Six years? He did that for six, fucking years?" Kellin asked, sounding extremely shocked. I only nodded my head.

"I didn't really understand what happened. I mean, my parents never really had the "don't let people touch you there" talk with me. And then I didn't know much about sex until I took Sex Ed. So even though it felt wrong, I just let him do it because I didn't _know_ what he was doing."

"You never told anyone?" I shook my head no. "Vic, you should have told somebody. Did he ever...." Kellin trailed off but I knew what he wanted to know.

"No, he only touched me. He never went farther than that." Kellin had tears in his eyes now and he leaned forward to hug me. I fought my own tears as I hugged him back.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"When I was younger, he told me it was a "secret game" that only him and I could know about. When I told him I didn't like the game, he told me it was just because I was young, and that I should feel special because not all kids get to play it because it was a "grown up game." As I got older and learned what sex was, I realized that what he was doing _was_ wrong. I told him to stop, that I didn't want to do that anymore, but he said it wasn't up to me, that I didn't get to decide when the game was over." I wiped at the tears that were now falling. I wasn't feeling sad, I was feeling humiliated. I shouldn't have told Kellin any of this. This was a secret I should have kept.

"Oh my god," was all Kellin said, reaching over to help me wipe away the tears. I smiled a little, hoping this didn't change how he saw me.

"C-Can we just not talk about it anymore?" I asked, looking down at my hands, which he was still holding.

"Of course, but if you ever want to talk about it more, just let me know." He leaned forward and kissed my forehead before giving me a sad smile. I still felt embarrassed, but I was happy that someone knew my darkest secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've debated from the start of this story whether or not to include the child molestation part in this because it's a very serious and complicated thing. I also want to say that if you have gone through it, then please don't feel alone and please don't be embarrassed to reach out if it's still affecting you. I can tell you that recovery IS possible because I'm one of them that's had to recover from it.  
> This is a hard thing to admit, but my main goal in life is to help people and let others know that they are NEVER alone in whatever they're going through. So I finally decided to bring more awareness to the issue and give people the chance to reach out to someone like them. If you EVER need me, please don't hesitate to message me. You can reach me on here, on Tumblr (http://thedeadmilitia.tumblr.com/), or on Instagram (monster_chick94). I am NOT a professional and I can't help you like they can. I am merely offering to be a friend to you. 
> 
> If you do want to seek real help, then I suggest starting with The Hopeline (http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/?tabId=2). They are a group of volunteer counselors who will listen to you either through online chat or over the phone, and they WILL listen and can connect you with help in your area for whatever you are dealing with. It is free and anonymous! I know they are a trustworthy group because I have a friend who works for them. Please, if you are struggling, reach out to them and let them help.  
> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255  
> SUICIDE PREVENTION TEXT LINE: Text "Start" to 741-741  
> THE HOPELINE: http://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/?tabId=2


	11. I'M NOT GIVING UP/Important!

So a lot of you already know this, but my family is losing our house. My parents built a house and then my grandpa died, so my mom inherited his house. They rented out the house they built, but then my parents got divorced and my dad wanted half of what the house they built was worth. They forced her to auction off the other house, but didn't get enough out of it and still owed him $20,000. Mom was making payments, but dad wanted the full amount, so the court decided the only way he would get it is to force us to auction off the house we live in. We couldn't get approved for a loan and then something happened and what we owe got raised from $20,000 to $119,000 or $191,000, I can't remember but it's one of those two.

The auction happened, but we never got anything saying whether the house was sold or not (the auction didn't happen at the house). And now they're saying we have failed to cooperate and vacate the property, so they're only giving us until May 15th to be completely out of the house. That gives us two weeks to pack, move everything big into a storage unit, move everything else two hours away to my grandparents' house, and figure out where we're going to move farm equipment out of two barns, a garage, and a shed.

We'll be living with our grandparents for now until we can figure out how to get a place of our own. My grandparents don't have internet, so I won't be able to get on my laptop. And until I can get a new job, I'll have to give up my phone so I won't be able to update using it. I WILL still be writing though! And maybe I can mooch some WiFi off of family members and update, but I'm making no promises.

All of my mom's family lives in the area we're moving to (both her mom's side and her dad's side), so we'll be okay. We'll have a lot of people around to take care of us and help us get settled.

This does NOT mean I'm giving up on ANY of my stories! It just means I won't be able to update for a while. But I'll try to have a ton of updates ready for when I get back online. Also, I probably won't get to really write over the next two week since we have a lot of packing and moving that has to be done so I decided to go ahead and post this now since I won't be updating.

Well, I guess that's it. I hope to not be gone for too long, but I can't really say what will happen.


End file.
